You Are Enough.
That’s what this series has been called. It started with feeling in between. Feeling that I was in between going through the motions and picking myself up off the ground.
Dragging myself out of bed and crying on the kitchen floor.
blacking out. flashing back. struggling to be present. be mindful.
In the past seven and half weeks I’ve watched a lot of Disney, colored a lot of mermaids, eaten a lot of cookies, drank or drunk…hmm… consumed a lot of almond milk lattes. Tried a few burgers, walked around a lot, lifted more than I ever thought I could and working towards enough.
It’s more than just saying you are enough. I mean of course you are. But enough of or for what? If we eliminate the external validation, which partially caused the start of this mess, then you only need to be enough for you. But where is your bar? How high did you set it? Why is there so much prove to just yourself? When did the bar get that high?
I’ve been working on leveling the playing field. Bringing my own bar just a tad bit lower and working on building up to reach it without standing on my tip-toes. Does this mean I’m not capable? Did I say that is the better question? No, I’m capable, but when you set yourself up for failure it doesn’t matter if your WonderWoman, you’re going to burn out.
The expectations I set for myself professionally and personally were higher than the ones that others placed upon me. I know I can do great things when challenged and the bar before was too low. I was able to jump over it and that wasn’t the game I wanted to play. But it was more than the bar not being where I believed it belonged. It was the external forces that kept pushing the bar up and down and not allowing me to keep it steady.
The build up that became the trigger. I know, we’ll get to that later, maybe no today, but later. I promise.
The past few weeks I have found structure again through implementing PH3 from Layne Norton that bodybuild.com offers. I’ve modified a few things such as eliminating blood flow restricted sets because I would rather take them out than do them wrong. Even with the elimination of some of these sets, I have added volume to my total and I can feel and see change occurring. Structure makes me feel secure and looking back to September I was losing that security. It’s not that I lost the drive or motivation, inside I still had it, but when mental illness is another factor it doesn’t necessarily matter how much drive and motivation you have. Sometimes your knocked on the shower floor struggling to wash your hair. I’m not ashamed to admit that. I’m not ashamed to say that there were days that getting out of bed was the first step and getting the shower was a win, but getting out of the shower was triumphant.
Incorporating this lifting program took the task out my hands and provided me with something to follow while I focused energy on other things. It’s something I found challenging, something I found interesting. I can’t wait to get back to designing my own programming, but for the past 7ish weeks utilizing this program allowed me to take a slight backseat while I took the reigns on my nutrition and mental well-being.
I’ve figure out the appropriate ratios of macro-nutrients to maintain and sustain myself. It took a lot of playing, but I’ve figure out where my body likes to be and what that means for living life as well as what that means for when I do jump back into the pool and prepare to compete again. Understanding your body’s chemistry is powerful. This is something I’ve been working on with some of my clients – how are you feeling during the day, how are you feeling after eating specific foods, are you hitting your macros or nutritional goals? Health is more than the scale and in some cases more than measurements. It’s a feeling. It’s being able to step back and say “I feel good overall”. Acknowledging that the decisions you make can have an impact on your whole body like joint pain or bloating or fatigue. As important as being a “healthy”body fat percentage is, these things I believe are just as important. If you can feel good, that’s half the battle.
As I’ve figured out my nutritional goals for this phase of my journey, I’ve been able to take more control of my feelings and look at myself most mornings and say “I like what I see, I like how I look just living life and lifting all the things.” No, I’m not in a bulking phase – I’m not 100% comfortable with that kind of eating and gaining right now. I’m in a slightly higher maintenance, but since I’ve minimized cardio, the total of calories in and calories out is pushing me into a very slight caloric surplus most days. Also, #cupcakes. I want to try all the cookies and cupcakes.
I’ve found purpose again. I’ve said this a bunch of times before. I never thought I would want to coach. I never thought I would be good at it. But, as more people have asked for help, I’ve reflected on what I’m capable of helping with. I know some people don’t understand health or life or goal coaching and that’s fine, but it helps people people realize their potential. This kind of coaching helps them create a plan or strategy for the week, breaking it down to be manageable – taking their whole life into consideration, not just the goals.
That’s what makes someone successful right? Checking off the tasks on the to list, no matter how small. No matter if the goal is to monitor body feelings or go to the gym three times this week where it fits, checking those tasks off makes you feel like you’re building onto something to reach something bigger.
I’ve been baking and writing and figuring out if I can truly eat enough cookies in the week while maintaining my measurements #thelimitdoesnotexist
More importantly, I think this series is coming to a close. I’ve been enough this whole time, I knew it in my heart – somewhere, but it was something I needed to determine for myself. Because my head and heart don’t always talk to each other. It was something I needed to measure in white chocolate cranberry cookies and almond milk lattes. I need to connect the lines and color in the mermaids to make the ocean look less intimidating. I needed to see if I could pick up the heavier bar and move it around without a lot of support to guide me.
I am enough every day. Even when I don’t believe it. Even when those around me don’t make me feel it.
So, please don’t stop dreaming. Please don’t stop reaching.Please don’t ever think you can’t. Please don’t ever think you aren’t worthy. You are all that and more. You are more than enough.
It’s December 1st and it’s about 6:30 am. I woke up excited and felt like it was going to be a good day. I know it’s still going to be a good day. But, as JP and I talked and he gave me his portion of rent to deposit, I checked my online banking account and noticed something.
October wasn’t good. November was better. I don’t know where the time went. I don’t know where the days went. I don’t remember at least a quarter of them, and many of the ones I do remember are blurry. I have full days missing.
I’ve talked about the binges that I had during the initial days of my medical leave. Most of them I don’t remember, but I woke up to feeling bloated or sick or JP telling me about them. My eating disorder isn’t something that is brought on by restriction. My eating disorder is brought on by a wiring issue.
I had emailed my professor when I first went on leave because when I had logged into my class I noticed I had missed a quiz, and ultimately had a zero as a place holder. I have A’s on everything in that class, but that initial week has the lowest scores I’ve ever had in a class. I explained the whole situation – probably giving more detail than necessary, but to me, completely necessary.
I love organization. I love problem solving. I love trying to figure out all the angles. But October, but the end of September, I don’t know who that girl was. She couldn’t get out of bed. She couldn’t stop crying. She couldn’t control her breathing. She couldn’t stop being a mess.
It’s not her fault.
This is something I tell myself every day.
But this morning. I saw that my FICO score had dropped 100 points in the past month. Not because I couldn’t afford to pay my bills, but because I had no sense of time in October and half my bills were late, not a few days, but late and not acknowledged until I got a call. Every call – you’re always so good about making payment early or on time, you always give more than the minimum or pay in full. We just wanted to call to check in.
Mental illness for me is like swimming and not getting anywhere. It’s like seeing everything moving so fast around you, but you feel stuck like you’re glued to the concrete. You feel like jumping and dancing, but you’re exhausted at the same time. For me, it’s choking on air.
The past couple of weeks have been really good, but I’m noticing that things from those initial days are catching up. Things I don’t remember.
At lunch, Jen and I were talking about how things were getting better and she asked about JP and I we’re doing. We are so much better, but there are still days that I’m not always sure. There are still days that He won’t back off and it’s too much for me to handle, partially because I just like my space and partially because I truly feel like I’m suffocating. This morning as he was leaving and I was sitting in the office cleaning up and checking emails he asked if he gets a kiss before he leaves and I said “of course, but you know I don’t have to get up and come to you, you could come in here.”
So he did, but then he pushed all his body weight down onto me and onto my chair and I had to start pushing back.
“Oh am I hurting you?”
“Yes, you are, get off of me.”
The past few weeks have been better with figuring out my balance as far as fitness and food and that aspect of my life. I feel comfortable halfly counting macros and halfly eating a cookie when necessary. Balancing my cookies and my vegetables. I feel confident in my lifting and I like where I’m going with the program. I’m feeling like me when I go to the gym.
I think that’s important to say. I feel like I want to. I don’t feel like I believe I should.
I feel like I’m recovering from an accident and I guess that’s kind of what happened. It wasn’t preventable, I was predisposed. But like you wear a cast on your broken leg and then are cautious about walking on it, I feel like I’m being cautious and tip toeing around.
This is an assignment I gave a client this week.
Here are three “shoulds”.
- I believe I should be able to control my actions and emotions better.
- I believe I should be able to hold everything in balance and not complain when I can’t
- I believe I should be able to be a good girlfriend.
But where did I learn these “shoulds”?
- While I’ve been going to therapy since I was 11 or 12 – first because my parents divorced and then because I was a teenager and then because there were some big life changes in college… It has always been talked about in my house growing up that you just can’t react however you want to a situation. Just because someone pushed you, doesn’t mean you can always push back. Sometimes you have to take it. In junior high I was suspended for fighting – it was the first time I stood up for myself. I was taken out to dinner to celebrate. But the next time I stood up for myself I was grounded. I guess only the first time was okay, the other times you just stand there and take it and wait for someone else to intervene.
- If you choose to take something on you should be able to handle it – that’s what I’ve been told. Don’t take on more than you can chew. No one ever thought I would get this far. Looking at my history, statistically I shouldn’t have gotten this far. Others with my history would be on the street or with multiple children from multiple partners without an education, without a direction, probably using drugs. That’s what I’ve been told and I guess that’s what I think about. I’m better off than what the statistics say so I shouldn’t be upset, I shouldn’t complain when it’s hard. Someone else always has it worse. That’s true, but I can also own my bad and it’s relative to my life. I can’t compare the weight I feel I’m holding to the person beside me. We have different histories, we have different presents and future.
- While my family isn’t the bet at representing good relationships – three marriages… yep that’s healthy. Trying to find yourself in someone else, that’s kind of the impression I’ve gotten. But, regardless, I remember seeing a wife try to be people pleasing. I don’t think I really know what my definition of good girlfriend is, but I guess there are times I think I should just keep my problems to myself. Maybe dinner should be on the table at a specific time. I should keep myself in a position where he likes me always. It’s not just from the multiple marriages I learned that, previous relationships have told me that they like you for what you can bring to the table. Sometime I feel like I don’t bring that much.
Why are these “shoulds” important?
- If I can control myself then there will be a perception that I have my shit together. I don’t know how much of that I truly care about, but I guess there’s a part of me that believes you can get farther ahead if you at least seem capable. That’s another problem too, being emotional doesn’t mean I’m not capable, but sometimes I feel like it does.
- In my head, no one wants to be friends with someone who complains all the time. I’m not down playing bad days or terrible days or days that change you forever, but if you never have anything good to say, who wants to listen?
- The more I think about it, I equate being a “good girlfriend” with preventing abandonment. JP has been beside me through some pretty gnarly things, but I guess I wonder what his line is, what’s the boundary that if crossed will stop everything. There are days I feel crazy or I feel lost in my head with my thoughts. Some of those days I try to keep them to myself because I know he will take them on. I don’t need him to empathize with me. I don’t want him to drag himself down on my bad days.
What will happen if I can accomplish or be or do these “shoulds”?
There are times I feel like I’ll be alone. Maybe I’ll push people away with my personality or behaviors. Sometimes you take something on not realizing the magnitude. Or sometimes you have just enough on your plate and someone comes along and drops something else on that you didn’t expect. What if I drop the plate and it shatters and all of a sudden all the eyes are on me and I don’t know what to do next. I can’t figure out my next step. Balancing my life also means I’m trying to figure out how to balance independence with dependence. How do I let people in, how do I let JP help me without relying on that. Am I good girlfriend because he feels needed or wanted, or am I going to become as needy as he is when he wants to cuddle to a movie.
These “shoulds” are mostly in my head. I’m emotional and that happens to a lot of people. It’s a wiring issue, maybe for some it’s a chemical issue. It’s a hormonal thing. It’s a sympathizing thing. The problem starts when you take on the world’s problems and can’t get out of bed because of them. I don’t believe I’m that way at all, however, there are a few moments.
Perception is key. No one has their shit together and balancing is more like a tight rope. Sometimes you almost step off the rope when you lean too far over and sometimes you overcorrect and go to the other side. It’s about taking baby steps and making a plan to attack the bigger picture. You’ve never seen a magician run the tight rope, right?
I need to remember that the relationships I have now, aren’t the relationships I had before. Me at 27 is not me at 16 or 20. Adults are sometimes more resilient than children and even at 16 that’s what you are. At 20, you’re not fully committed to understanding a healthy relationship.
I can sit here and say I wish September was amazing, I wish I remembered October and reflect and say November was better, but it should’ve been more. But you can’t go back in time, you can only move forward. Either slowly or full steam ahead. You can sit there and say I should be a long list of things that aren’t real, or you can say I’m sorry I’m not perfect, but today I will try and tomorrow I won’t give up.
Because the only should I probably should be is living life as much as I can without guilt or regret and that’s what I’m going to try to do this December. And even if I don’t succeed fully, at least I tried.
And now it’s 8:30. Good morning.
Last week was Thanksgiving and it’s the first holiday that I wasn’t eating in a deficit. First real holiday. It was the first time I wasn’t paranoid about what was going on my plate, but I still asked ahead what was on the menu. That’s how I plan and those in my life know that, so it’s not a big deal. JP and I asked what we could bring – pie. We had enough side dishes so bring dessert.
Like many who have gone through many detours on their journey, I’ve developed some sensitivities. Dairy and fatty meats are the two biggest. I can have dairy in small quantities – except goat products, I can eat as much of that as I want. Other dairy products, however, make me sick and sick Cristina isn’t a fun Cristina. I have the same issue with heavily fatty meat such as prosciutto and similar cold cuts, which I learned a few weeks ago and pork butt. These pretty much have the same effect.
Making decisions for my plate wasn’t a problem like it had been in other years. Not just because I wasn’t trying to stay in a deficit, but I think I’m in a better place with how I view my food and the bigger picture. For me, it took 52 months to get my body to a weight that was comfortable when I looked at the scale. I lost some of that comfort when I started fearing the scale was going to shift and that would mean my measurements would too. As I started reading more and reflecting on how I was physically feeling, how my clothes fit and my measurements, the power food once had has been taken away. Don’t get me wrong, some days can be difficult. But I make a plan around things I really want. If I want a cupcake, the rest of the day is built so it works – eat a little “cleaner”, a little more “whole” so I can balance my cupcake. It’s not about being allowed to have it – I’m 27 years old. Who’s going to tell me no? Myself and if I don’t then no one. So it’s about balancing the good times with good for you or better for you food.
Personally, when I think about the holiday’s nothing good comes from it. I don’t like that the times we believe we can enjoy each other need to be surrounded with food. Not just a regular dinner, but a feast to celebrate something that is meaningless today. I’m all for being thankful, I’m thankful or grateful most days, but I don’t believe we need a holiday to show it. Thanksgiving came from overseas with our ancestors and it was to celebrate the harvest. Can someone please tell me the last time a large percentage of our population was wiped out because of failing crops? Anyone? Yeah, no. I think holidays like these allow for an opportunity to enjoy special foods and I’m all for that. JP’s grandmother makes these cookies at Christmas and I swear if he doesn’t have one he’ll cry. Some things have value like that. But if you put a made-from-a-box brownie on the table, I’m going to tell to I’m not interested because I can have it any day I want it.
I think we all place a power on food and a power in things that give us good feelings like working out. I see posts online all the time of people validating why they had a piece of cake. You don’t need to validate it to anyone, but yourself. I’m a culprit of this too. I’m constantly reminding myself that I’m not over 240 pounds anymore, that I’m not losing weight, that having the oatmeal raisin cookie with my latte won’t make me fat. Missing a workout because you’re exhausted won’t reverse progress. It took weeks and months to get to this point, one missed workout doesn’t ruin that. It’s a tool, not a punishment. If you talk to yourself and say “you can’t go out and do ‘x’ until you workout” then you’re going to start hating something that you once loved.
We all do this, but I also think that the more we are mindful about it the better off we are and can take away the power of these things.
So, this post. A few of my clients have develop a better relationship with food in their goals. It’s not worded exactly that way, but it comes down to how they view food and what it means to them. For some it’s about ease. Having a family impacts your goals and some times it’s about figuring out what is easiest to get a family of five fed and on with the day. This gets them thinking that making a plan is hard or will not be helpful for the many mouths that need to be fed. For some, food can be a trigger – it makes them want to consume the whole plate for one reason or another. Maybe it’s a fear – burger and fries. I have a client who ate a burger and fries the other night and enjoyed every bite and said she didn’t care that she ordered that or ate it all. She said that she felt fine the next day. That is a victory for someone who is in the process of shifting their mentality of losing weight and having “bad foods” to maintaining and figuring out how to use food as fuel. Just thinking about how content she was with her decision makes me smile because that’s mental progress and you can’t see clearly unless you hear her story.
Here are three foods that mean something to me and why.
It’s going down every Monday morning. They can be buttermilk, plain, with chocolate, with fruit – it doesn’t matter. Short stack or tall, just pass the peanut butter and the syrup. I’ve been hosting Pancake Monday for over two years now. It’s one of my favorite days of the week and it’s something that JP looks forward to now too. But why is this food important? It was the first thing I learned to make. My older sister taught me when I was 5. My mom didn’t always feed us and my sister learned how to cook pretty fast. Sometimes I got to help. Keep in mind that I’ve shared with you I don’t talk with my family because the relationships were very toxic and for me removing them was the best option, but there’s something about that memory. There were a few years i didn’t eat pancakes at all because it made sad thinking about how I don’t talk to her, but I also know that it’s one of the best decisions I’ve made to continue to make myself healthy – mentally and physically.
These are actually something I’ve grown quite attached to since being on my journey. JP and I met over Labor Day weekend 2014 and the first weekend we spent full days together. We went to dinner – place we go often enough, but definitely for our yearly. We went to brunch – diners are the finest. We drank delicious wine, but more importantly we ate some of the best cupcakes. We bought four cupcakes from Sweet and by we, I mean me. I picked them up because I figured he needed to experience a part of Worcester he hadn’t before. He went to college here and lived her for four years, including an off campus apartment – but most of his explorations of food have been with me… starting at three years post-graduation. I bought four cupcakes from Sweet – our favorite jumbo cupcake place. It’s a restaurant and dessert bar. You can’t go wrong with anything on their menu, but the cupcakes. We split all of them. I was in the last seven weeks of competition prep at the time and I didn’t care because this kid needed to try these. Whenever we go to Sweet, JP always reminds me that it’s our place. It’s out cupcake home. He tells the story as if I seduced him with cupcakes – not the case, at all, by far. But still a good laugh.
This one is tricky because I don’t know if I would call if a trigger food, but it’s certainly the last food that I fully remember binging three years ago. I had just gotten off the phone and had some bad news – the news isn’t important, what is how I reacted. I didn’t know how to react and I found myself crying on the living room floor. I called a local pizza place and ordered my typical – cheese and extra pineapple with white sauce. I ordered an extra large, not a medium like I normally do. I called a friend and she came over to sit with me. The pizza was delivered and then she watched me eat the whole pizza, on my own, in less than 10 minutes. She dragged me to my bed and put me to bed. She got in bed with me and we laid there until we both fell asleep. The next morning we went to a local diner and talked about the news, the reaction and the next steps to handle both.
I don’t order pizza. I don’t like eating pizza at other peoples houses, but what I am capable of handling is the sold by the slice pizza house down the road. I can go up to the counter and order a slice from there 20-something options. I can get one slice and sit down at the table with it. Sometimes JP and I will each pick one we want and then one we want to share and then I’ll have one and a half slices.
It’s not that I believe I will necessarily consume a whole pizza on my own again, but it’s the memory that when I was stressed and sad and angry that I turned to that specifically. It’s not that pizza has a hold on me, but I think about how sad that Cristina was and how out of control I felt in that moment. That’s not a feeling I like and it’s not one I wish on anyone.
I believe reflecting on our thoughts and feelings and how they’re connect to things that create or diminish an action is important. It’s not just about food, but if you recognize that you sleep when your stressed, what about that makes you feel better, what about being in bed makes you feel safe?
Instead of restricting or being completely lax at the holiday with an all or nothing attitude – because trust me you’ll hate everyone account you follow on any social media platform, figure out your plan. Figure out what you want to accomplish and what will make you feel successful. Think about the memories with grandma’s special cookies – maybe you need to have one because you’ve helped her make them before. Enjoy life or least attempt too because you never know the next time you’ll get to try a peanut butter chocolate cupcake filled with peanut butter frosting and topped with Reese’s Pieces – that’s something you want to be prepared for.
This past week was top notch. It was the best week in a while. If I’m going to be honest, it’s probably the best I’ve felt, behaved and went about my day since August.
I’m starting to feel more clear headed and I think I’m finally figuring out my place. I’m figuring out how I’m connected to things around me and trust me that sounds way more hippy dippy than I want it to, but it’s true.
Last week I talked about the trial that I’m working on with a group of people for goal coaching. Goal setting is something I’m good at personally. I have no issue talking to myself about the bigger picture and breaking it down into smaller bites or milestones. I do this in fundraising too – my profession, but assisting someone else is a different story. Instead of just one people making the bet, two people are. They both have to be committed to determining what success is and working as a team to get there.
I have no clue if I’m going to be good at assisting anyone aside from myself and that’s the purpose of the trial. I originally said I would take on five individuals because I didn’t think anyone would have any interest in actually working with me. See there’s that self doubt. Saying I’m inspiring is different than wanting to team up together. After I saw the amount of interest, I reevaluated and decided that I would take on about 10 trial clients. This is the number I believe I want to have when I launch live in January and since the interest was great enough, I believed I could find 10 people that I would want to work with, that I believed actually needed help and that I felt confident in my own abilities to help. I found 12.
I’ll be working with all 12 for the month of December and this means I’ll be assisting them in determining their long term goals and the short term milestones to help achieve or get closer to those larger goals. All 12 have different goals from health to education, but for every person, all of their goals are intertwined. I don’t think many of them realized that, but if you goals are to 1. lose weight 2. find a better outlet for stress that doesn’t involve food and 3. figure out how to give yourself personal time, it’s clear that if you are always on the go and interacting with everyone around you that your stress is going to be high and if you turn to food then your overall health and weight loss goals will go out the window. This will also be cyclical because you will more than likely beat yourself up for overeating, binging or breaking your plan.We are notorious for being assholes to ourselves.
So how do you reach those goals? How do you accomplish goals that don’t necessarily have metrics?
You talk about what a typical day looks like. You think about times that you are stressed out and the factors that are causing it, maybe the feeling or thoughts going through your head at the time. You think about your lifestyle including your relationships and work schedule and figure out what is realistic for you, not Suzy down the street. You think about a timeline that you believe you would be happy with to accomplish your goals. It’s not a race unless you create one. You set goals that are attainable because they are made for you, like going to the gym two to three times a week, not six days when you have a family of five and work a 35 hour week.
This is how I goal set. This is how I figure out my plan for the week or the month or a few months depending on my goals.
This trial means that I’ll get feedback about my approach to overall health and life – that’s a little intimidating, but these people are allowing me into their lives and telling me how I fit, so it only makes sense to talk them along the way about how we create a plan together using my methods and reasoning. My hope is that together they will have their eyes opened wider than before, they will stop seeing doubt and will start seeing and understanding their own capabilities. They will feel like they can learn something new and that if they take a tiny puddle jump then it’s not so scary. I want them to feel empowered and to own this process because it’s their journey and I’m along for the ride. But I also know that some of them may take a little bit of pushing to get there.
I’m also hoping that by working with these people, volunteering my time for December, I’ll gain more clarity and be a slighter brighter, more shiny Cristina. I’m not just helping them with their goals, I’m testing my own.
Six weeks ago I told you that I was going on medical leave to deal with my PTSD and for the past six weeks I’ve been working with my therapist, journaling, eating, lifting, reading and trying to figure out what went wrong. All I know is, I did nothing wrong. I could’ve gone in a million different directions and I still would’ve ended up here. Last week during my therapy session before the holiday, my therapist said he thought I was getting better, but I’m not just there yet. There’s still work to do, so he’s extending my leave until the new year.
At first, I didn’t know how I felt about it. I thought – how can I help these people with their goals if I can’t have my life in order? He told me to think about that statement and what I’m actually saying. I can help these people with their goals because I am good at analyzing situations and resources and goal setting. This is completely in my control. He said that he thought that December would be good for me too because it might just be the reassurance I need.
I’m going to be honest because that’s the best way to be. I’m nervous and scared, but hoping for the best. I’m hoping that this is what JP and I need to get the rest of our relationship where we want it to. Maybe this is what I need so I don’t continue to break from mental exhaustion. My friend Miriam said when we met in August she was nervous for me because she could tell I was always on the go. That’s how I like to be, but it’s different when you are in control versus being pushed by external factors. She also said that she was so happy when I said I was taking leave because I deserved to stop and watch the world spin around me, I deserved a break.
So, for the next five weeks I’m going to keep on journaling and lifting and eating and now developing my own coaching abilities. I’m building on a theory – people are more capable than they know, but they need help figuring out their path and learning where to pull resources from so they go full throttle. I need to remind myself of this all the time and I’m looking forward to December as I work through my goals, set some new ones and help others figure out their own.
No reason to wait until the calendar changes. Today we start doing great things because we are more capable than we know.
Today is a new day.
Today the world feels lighter.
Today the clouds and cold don’t seem burdensome.
Today I can make a difference.
Today I can dream bigger than I ever thought I could.
Today is the day. Tomorrow will be too. And the next day and the next day.
Over the weekend JP and I ate everything good. We yelled at each other. We laughed with each other. We were together, but also accomplished things separately. He worked on his car and I wrote my paper for class.
The paper wasn’t that hard once I got started, but that’s the hardest part about anything. Where do I start? I knew what I wanted to say, but I felt like I was dancing in circles. Maybe I said the same thing in two places, but at least I have different sources backing up what I was writing.
We stayed up past our bed time. We saw friends that we don’t see often. We ate dessert. Dessert was free and that made it taste better.
Saturday, after my paper was written and sent to Samantha for edits and feedback, I did something I never thought I would do. I posted on Instagram that I was interested in helping others achieve their goals.
I told you all that I wanted to start coaching, but that I also wanted tweak my program a bit and to do it effectively I wanted to take on a group of people to test it out. This group will give me feedback and help me develop the program fully so that I can offer it in the new year.
Up until now my whole journey has been about me and my goals. Trust me it still will be that. It’ll be about figuring out my next step and then moving forward, but it’ll be about directly empowering others to do the same.
I am not a fitness account, whether you believe that or not. I’m a life account. I share what’s important in my life – my health is up there with my boyfriend and cupcakes. I like lifting, but I like lattes too. You’ve noticed I’ve been sharing a lot of those lately as well.
I can’t believe the interest I received on Saturday in relation to my announcement. That’s crazy to me! But maybe it’s just some of the assurance I need to move forward.
My plan for my program is to screen clients. I want to know them a little bit before saying yes I can help you because nothing is worse than not being capable of helping someone else when you really want to. For those who showed interest, I sent a client screening information form asking some basic information as well as things that could impact their goals like are the single or married or divorced, do they have kids? These questions are important because a mother of two who has a husband she cooks for may prioritize herself differently than a single guy who just goes to and from work.
I also asked them what their short term and long term goals were and why. They why is more important than the goal. You need to figure out what’s motivating you want to accomplish something specific. Maybe you need a challenge and that goal is going to provide it. Maybe your goals will help develop balance in your life and that’s what you want – to eat your cupcake and run a half marathon.
I asked personality questions like do they make list or do tasks from memory. It gives me an idea how they work, or how they think they work. This is about helping them find the best way to accomplish their goals. The way I do things works for me, but it may not work for Susie down the street. But I want to help Susie figure out how to make her goals and life work with each other, not against each other.
I asked about expectations because I know what I expect when I ask and pay someone for assistance. When I left my coach I was pretty harsh and I made a list of suggestions… some of which I noticed were implemented once I terminated the relationship. I want these individuals to feel supported by me. Support in some form is important especially if you feel defeated some days. Sometimes you need a kick in the ass and other days you need someone to reassure you that you’re making the right or best decisions you possibly can.
I believe in open communication. You’ve seen how I share my life. Honesty is the best policy. Not every day is going to be awesome. Some days are going to bite the big one and to be able to actually help these people they need to feel like they can tell me that. They need to be able to tell me that I got into a fight with a friend and that caused an anxiety attack, which led to over eating and then binge eating. I may not be able to diagnose them, but I can help them find the right person who can. I can be an ear for them when they need it and help them come up with a plan for the next time they feel like they are in a similar situation.
We sabotage ourselves when we believe we are already going downhill. I don’t want someone to feel like they can’t gain control of a situation that is truly in their control.
Today, I screened my first potential client for my trial. My heart was pounding before I called her. Yep, phone or Skype or FaceTime. We all communicate differently, but I believe that kind of communication can be very helpful for some, especially when email seems like a book. I took notes during our talk so she could understand what I wanted to accomplish during the trial and so I could better understand her goals and why she believes she needs help.
Today I feel like the rest of my life is starting.
Today I feel like my sense of purpose is pouring back in.
Today I feel like I can make a difference in someone else’s life by helping them learn to take control and create a plan.
Today I will have passion in one more area of my life, and if there’s passion then what do I have to lose?
I was texting with my friend Ali this morning about our visit yesterday. Yesterday, Ali drove from New Jersey to Sleepy Hollow, NY; I drove from Massachusetts to Sleepy Hollow, NY and Samantha drove from Pennsylvania to Sleepy Hollow, NY. We’ve never met. I’ve been texting separately with both of them for months, but they had never talked to each other. We met through Instagram.
Our plan – check out the farmer’s market, get brunch and do whatever touristy things we possibly could.
What happened was a lot more.
Yesterday left my heart full and this morning I felt different. This past week was a pretty good. It wasn’t perfect, but I wasn’t expecting it to be. I just wanted it to be better than previous weeks. I wanted to feel a little happier, a little less tired and more like myself. I’ve been saying that for weeks – I want to feel like myself. I think part of it is, I want the old me, the before all this crap happened me, but the truth is, I can’t go back to that me. So now it’s figuring out how I can be a newer, maybe more sparkly me.
This week, I met some amazing people – some for the first time and some for more adventures. It took me to three different states. I drove through five states. I ate doughnuts and burgers and had excellent coffee and walked and talked and lifted and laughed.
On Tuesday, I met Kolbie. She lives an hour and half away from me in New Hampshire. She’s a full-time law student and we share a passion for lifting and bettering ourselves. She has a take no shit attitude and clearly said, “I will decide when I’m too skinny” when talking about a family member who said she was getting too thin because she was getting to a healthy weight that her family hadn’t seen her at before. She has big goals and a plan to accomplish them. I got the chance to meet her at her gym – no, we didn’t workout together, but checked in while going our own routines. Again, we have different journey’s and different plans, but we can still throw some iron around in the same room.
She told me about her coach and how he supports her and how working with him was the best decision she’s made. We talked about our goals for the upcoming year and there’s a chance our paths could cross on the stage.
We went out for coffee after our lift and we sat there for almost three hours. I didn’t leave until dinner time and it was pitch black. I still had to drive home and I had never been more thankful for packing a protein bar. On the drive home I thought about how happy I was that her and I got to connect in person. We’ve been following each other online all year and only recently started talking to each more regularly. I left New Hampshire thinking about how much I wanted to connect with more people. Get to know them better than the photos they post online. Hear their stories and someone help them figure out their paths.
I met with my therapist on Wednesday and I told him about meeting Kolbie. I told him how the weekend went (wedding weekend) and how I hoped the rest of the week would go. We talked about a plan for when I get back to work at the end of the month – what I can do to keep my focus. I felt good about what we discussed and I think it helped set me up for the rest of the week.
On Thursday, Liz and I got together to lift in the morning and then adventure down to Providence, Rhode Island. We found out that there’s a new doughnut shop there and we figured we could build a day in the city. Liz and I usually have solid adventures when we get together, but checking out the exhibits at RISD, showed me that how we interpret is very similar. Art’s purpose is to give you a feeling. Everyone is impacted differently by different pieces of art. How I feel about impressionism is different than how someone else feels about watercolor. The conversations we had throughout the museum made me so much more excited to know Liz.
We have fitness in common and we love trying crazy food – I mean, doughnut adventures are a must, but Liz has been a huge part of my life, especially the past few weeks. We connected through Instagram in the winter/spring as I was in competition prep for the Cutler. We talked about the at the time upcoming surgery – she’s had a tummy tuck before. We talked about lifting and goals, but we also talked about our boyfriends and work and our personal lives. But we didn’t meet until this summer. I remember JP asking me who she was and then he just declared that she’s going to be Holyoke Liz – even though that’s not really where she lives, but I guess it’s close enough. There’s an hour distance between us, but only a few seconds via phone. Liz’s background is in psychology, and there have been a few times that I’ve found myself calling her to be talked down from an attack. She has experience working with clients who have anxiety and her patience has been key more times than I want to admit.
I’m just glad that her boyfriend, Dan, let’s me steal her sometimes.
My Friday plans were changed a bit, but only for the better. Because that brings me to Saturday. Samantha and I had been planning to get together for a few weeks. She’s about 40 minutes outside of Philadelphia and we figured out that Sleepy Hollow is our half way point. It’s about a two and a half hour drive for each of us each way. Well, on Friday, I was talking to Ali on the phone and I told her about getting together with Samantha on Saturday. Ali and I were going to meet for lunch on Friday on her way to Boston, but her Boston plans fell through. I told her Sleepy Hollow was only an hour and a half away from her and I could ask Samantha to see if she could join us. She said she didn’t want to crash, but I told her not to worry and I would ask. Samantha said that was fine, but she may need to warm up.
Well. I do believe there was no concern of warming up to each other.
We met at the farmer’s market and managed to drink both wine or gin before 10 am. We found ALL OF THE CARBS and each bought a treat to bring home. I found a black and white cookie, just the white with sprinkles – of course I did. We split a Belguim chocolate and coconut almond brownie three ways because it was the size of my face.
Our second stop was brunch and it was amazing. However, I don’t think I’ve ever had bad brunch. We sat there for two hours and Samantha convinced us to have a second round of mimosas because we parked our cars and were walking around the town anyway. Burgers and muffins and bacon and booze, all before noon. There was more than just eating. We celebrated Samantha’s engagement and meeting new friends. We laughed and talked loudly. If you were walking by us, you wouldn’t have ever guessed that it was the first time we’d me in person.
We did what all good tourists do – hung out in the cemetery. The weather was perfect and the Old Dutch Church sits on a ridiculous hill that can oversee the town. We walked through headstones and looked at the years. So many pre-date 1900, and there were some that had been so weathered that they had nothing on them at all. While we were walking through we passed a few crypts and Samantha decided to knock to see if anyone was home. I think we all were nervous that someone would knock back. Thankfully, the dead were asleep.
We took a bunch of photos, mostly cheesy, but all excellent. There’s a photo of the three of us and I said to Ali that she looked so happy in. Her smile is so big. She said she was genuinely happy. I think we all were. There was something about the day – it was cold when we met up at first, but as the sun got higher and it got warmer, there were more laughs and it felt like we knew each other forever. There was so much building up to meet Samantha and Ali – originally separately, but then even more build up knowing we would all get to hang out all together. Samantha and I had been going back and forth on brunch places, but our conversations date back to my surgery when we played wayyy too many rounds of Words with Friends. Ali and I have recently exchanged numbers, but we’ve been emailing for what seems like forever. Both are hilarious and open minded and tell stories in the best ways possible. Driving home all I could think about was how great the day was, I didn’t want the feeling end.
My heart was full from the day and from the week, really.
Last week brought some clarity, it brought some personal heartache as JP and I are still navigating life living together and making decisions together. But overall, it brought a full heart.
Maybe it’s because it’s November and that we’re going to be stuffing our faces soon and pulling thankfulness out of the air, but I feel grateful for those who I’ve had the chance to meet while I’ve been on leave. I’m grateful for those who have helped me fill my time in between journaling and therapy appointments. I’m grateful for those who were willing to share their stories with me and trusted me enough to share them with all of you as well. At a time where I felt I lost my purpose, so many have helped me find it and create a path for myself.
Every day I receive messages saying that I inspire you, but I don’t think you realize that so many of you inspire me, encourage me.
Trust me, I’m sure you’ve seen my annoyances, but the bigger picture is that there is something that connects us all and brings us together. Whether it’s making friends over peanut butter – I’m looking at Sarah and Alicia. Or having common ground in our views – hi there Ali. Finding out that you have made a friend who is willing to be weird with you and not judge you – I love you Samantha. A friend who will invite you to their home and sit for hours talking – Oh Jen. Lifting and coffee and adventures and doughnuts – Lori and Liz and Kolbie. I really could list a bunch of people.
This is my fifth week of leave, fourth week of my lifting program and JP is gone on business. I have therapy like normal, I’m working on a paper for class and Jen and I have lunch plans tomorrow with her husband. I imagine that my heart will stay full and my belly will be happy, but maybe not as happy as this past week.
I can’t wait to take you on my adventures and continue this ride.
This week is going to be rated about 7.7. I had an anxiety attack and crying fit, but I also ate the most amazing burger too. Maybe that’s the balance. There’s good days and bad days. Sometimes you brush off the comments and some days they get to you because YOU ARE HUMAN.
So this post. It’s going to be different, but at the same time it’s really not. I’ve said before that I am you. That I had a starting point. I set a goal, then another and then another. I was consistent and I made changes when necessary. Then was consistent with those changes. I continue to challenge myself and never settle. I don’t believe in the best self. I believe in a better than I was yesterday self. There’s always room to improve – mentally and physically. Anyone can lose weight, it’s not honorable. What’s honorable is the willingness to make a change, to stand by it and work hard for it. Not everyone wants to work hard. I am you, I’m am still seeking a better self.
Bodybuilding.com is currently running their spokesmodel search for the upcoming year. This isn’t new, it happens every year around this time. They receive tons of applications and then narrow it down. Then there’s voting. They want a male and a female who are energetic and motivating, and have super fit physiques – and with that point I’m out.
When I first saw the search this year, I thought about how cool it could be to enter because when I made the decision to start lifting, bodybuilding.com was how I got started. It’s where I educated myself about nutrition and lifting. I read through articles and utilized the exercise database to develop my own routines. It’s also how I came across the current lifting program I’m using now, PH3 by Layne Norton. The site as a whole is a place where I felt comfortable going to find answers to my questions and it’s where I point people to when they reach out. It’s the best coach that I could never afford.
I am the average person who utilizes Bodybuilding.com.
I started my weightloss journey when I was over 240 pounds, but I started my lifting journey when I was 174 pounds and was preparing myself for my first bikini competition – 2014 New England Championship. I get asked all the time how I started with lifting – this post is for you.
I had never stepped into a weight room before, I mean maybe for a 5 pound dumbbell, but to really step in and step up to the equipment isn’t something I ever considered doing. However, at this point, I knew that for more change to occur in my journey I needed to make another change to my routine. Cardiovascular exercise and adjusting my nutrition wasn’t enough anymore. When I decided I wanted to compete, Bodybuilding.com gave me a place to go and learn before I entered the weight room. As I watched videos exhibiting form and explaining the muscle groups activated, I felt more comfortable about stepping into that room and executing those same movements. I started squatting with a 25 pound pre-weighted barbell and a bench and now my 1RM is 180. It’s taken a while to get there, but we all have our own pace. Because goals can change and so can methods. Again, still seeking a better self.
To me, Bodybuilding.com is a resource when I need expert advice or I want a different perspective. It’s a place where I learned about cardio variations, lifting variations; it’s a place where you can find a program that fits your goals today. It’s a place to connect to others that have similar and very different goals than you. It’s a place for people of all levels to become a better version, a healthier version of their physical self.
I completely understand why they want the best physique representing them. They are a brand that promotes fitness, but at the same time I believe in a society where people idolize perfection we need to show a more clear picture. It’s not always vascularity and abdominals, even though we would love that and a burger too.
I’m sure some of you are thinking, it’s great to say this, but you compete in body competitions so it’s hypocritical to say this at the same time. Yes, I do compete in body competitions. I love the discipline and the structure that leads up to stage. I love working on myself and figuring out how much more weight I can lift, how I can sculpt myself, striving to be better – not perfect. You don’t look like that year round and that’s a conversation that should be had. I compete in a setting where it’s 100% subjective and based on who shows up that day, but internally, it’s not about the women beside me, it’s about how much better I am that time around. So many competitors will agree with that because if only go into it to hit center stage and you miss, your ego will sorely be bruised.
Life isn’t perfect. Your weightloss, your bulking, your health or fitness journey isn’t going to be perfect either. It’s going look like a heart beat monitor, with drastic spikes and then drastic downs. You’re going to have to change your routine over and over. You’re going to have to change how you think about food and lifting. When the goal changes, it changes you mentally not just physically. I don’t believe health and fitness should be represented as such.
Life is about setting goals and reaching them, changing them, failing at them. Having a great day and having a bad day, but learning what to do when you an all time low. It’s about trying your best in the moment, and waking up and saying today I will try to be better. I will try to never stop reaching or dreaming. I will always continue learning. If I inspire someone it’s by accident and because I’m actually doing something admirable, not something average.
I’ve watched some of the entry videos of people that I follow on social media, people that I look to for my own inspiration. They are all strong and goal driven individuals. They are beautiful inside and out, and are seeking to inspire the world around them. They all have amazing entries and I could see them all becoming a spokesmodel winner, but they aren’t the only ones that inspire me to push on my down days. I guess, sometimes, I see them as superhuman. I know for some fitness started as a hobby and transformed into something more, for some it’s now their career. But those who have kept it as a hobby and figure out how to be a mom and a lifter or a lawyer and a figure competitor inspire me the most. They’re exhibiting a balance that I strive for every day.
I believe that is the better self. Constantly seeking the balance of physical and mental change. The barbell and cupcake, or doughnut – whatever your preference.
This week was pretty great. I know as the days and weeks add up I’ve been saying that they’ve been getting better, but let’s be honest some of those weeks had shitty days. This week hasn’t had one bad day. I know that’s so optimistic it’s almost adorable. But it’s true.
On Monday, JP went to work and I went to the gym. He had Starbucks for breakfast and I made myself pancakes. Pancake Mondays are what is right with the world.He did his usual on the way to work thing and I did my usual post-work out thing. We didn’t eat together and I didn’t see him until dinner time. We didn’t text all day – something that is 100% unusual for us. But when dinner came, we could actually say “Babe, how was your day?”
You see, when he was in Indiana we would text all day and night. Around bedtime we would get on Facetime and then fall asleep that way. I know, we’re crazy and thankfully there’s wifi. It was a “we live long distance, but are still dependent on each other in some kind of way” relationship. During work hours, we would sometimes switch to GChat because of poor cell phone reception. We were long distance for two years and I’ve already told you the story about the tree. If you don’t remember it, check out this Instagram post. Anyway, there’s a lot of stuff we’ve never had the chance to do, like spontaneous date night or vacation.
JP moved home at one of the best and worst times because everything came crashing down, and while he definitely added to it and I’m going to get to that, I don’t know what would’ve happened if he wasn’t home.
So this week was great because JP was gone. Because while I was so excited to have him home, I was dealing with everything else and we never had an opportunity to adjust to each other. Yes, he was home for about seven weeks during my recovery, but the us we where then, is different than the us we are now. You see, he moved home and was hit from all sides. After driving 16 hours, we had a family party to go to, where I heard multiple family members ask him how it felt to be unemployed. I’m not saying they meant harm, but what I am saying, is some people can fit both feet in their mouths. He had already been putting pressure on himself to find a job and then that happened, they piled on the pressure unknowingly. I know I added some too because we just couldn’t live the lifestyle he wanted on my salary.
As we were dealing with this, I was dealing with my own problems and while he knew what was going on, I don’t think either of us realized the extent of the damage everything was causing. From this to my car accident, to not having a car for about a week to medical leave – we have been by each other constantly. I wish I was kidding. I’ve told him he’s needy and boy he fucking is. I lay in bed and he immediately cuddles on me, it’s cute until you can’t handle the touching. And sometimes, with my anxiety, I can’t be touched. It makes me more upset – he doesn’t understand this. We would be playing cards at the bistro table and he would ask if I wanted to cuddle and I would blatantly tell him “no, I’m already out of bed and I don’t want to get back in bed.”
His need to help me was turning into suffocation.
On Monday when JP asked me how my day was, I said it was really good. He asked why and I was honest. I told him it was because for the first time in a few weeks I was able to get up and workout and then come home and relax. I was able to make breakfast and show, but then I could get back in bed and write or watch TV. I was able to go to a new to me coffee house and not have to worry if JP wanted to come or not. I just got in the car and went. I didn’t have to be concerned if he was interested. I looked at him and said, “I think you can go to the car show on Saturday alone with your friends. I don’t want to go, I’ll find something else to do.” He asked how come. I explained that before he had moved home going to the car show meant that I lost hours with him. Since he’s here I don’t feel like I need to follow him around. He said “you mean we can have separate lives?”
Yep, that’s what I’m saying.
So the last piece of this puzzle of feeling torn down I think was taken care of this week when JP went to work. I know that sounds terrible, but the past few weeks we really were smothering each other and now we finally can learn how to live together as a couple. That’s scary and weird and crazy, but we haven’t really had the opportunity to do that. We kept saving each other, supporting each other when we felt down. But we haven’t been able to just live with each other, enjoy each others’ company and just be together. This week we got to do that.
Tonight we’re going out for date night and we’re dressing up. We never get to do this.
I’ve told him about all of this, so writing this isn’t a surprise in this house, but it doesn’t make it easier to say or easier to read. This has been hard on both of us and still is. This is the first week I’ve felt more like myself, but I also recognize that I’m starting to get tired quickly and need to relax during the day. Yesterday, after I got out the apartment for dessert and lattes, I felt exhausted, but knew that if I went home I would just nap in the middle of the day and that would impact my night… so I kept myself out and went to Target to pick up a few things. Surprisingly, I didn’t go overboard with all the things pumpkin, but I did get a few things that were necessary… new colored pencils for example. I may have also had some fun in the dressing room…
So many people have asked me how I’ve gotten over mental health issues, but if you’ve been paying attention, I haven’t. I’m working through them every day. I’ve been journaling on my own. I’ve been keeping myself busy and trying to get out so I don’t feel confined within my apartment. Just because I don’t have meetings every day doesn’t mean I should stay shut away. I’m also going to therapy and working with someone who specializes in trauma and disorders that are an extension of trauma. It’s the same therapist that I saw this summer about body dysmorphia – which turns out is just a coping mechanism for my anxiety. Most of his clients have PTSD and other disorders that are connected, like me with anxiety and binge eating disorder. I’m clinically diagnosed. These aren’t terms you through around lightly. These aren’t terms that you joke about. There’s a difference between over eating and binging. There’s a difference between indulging and binging. Yes, you can eat a little too much when indulging, but looking down at the bowl and realizing you ate all the popcorn versus binging the popcorn intentionally. There’s a difference in mentality. When I’m going through a binge episode I’m hunting. That’s how I feel. I feel like I’m searching for what I’m looking for without truly knowing what I’m looking for. I know it when I’m eating it because I then feel satisfied.
This week we talked about the adventures I was going on. I mentioned JP starting his new job and how relieved I felt. We talked about some of the triggers that started this whole ordeal and the original events the created those triggers… childhood. Some things you just can’t truly escape. I felt good during the session and after I felt like we accomplished what I wanted to, so until next session.
That gym life
My workouts this week were really good. I started the PH3 program by Layne Norton that is on bodybuilding.com. You can find the program here. It’s a new lifting structure for me and focuses on strength. I was skeptical at first because the first few days don’t seem like a lot, but as more volume was added throughout the week I started to feel myself really pushing through the workouts. I’m working the muscles differently than I’m used to, so this week was the first time in a while that I was sore, but in a good way. My shoulder after Sunday was pretty sore from benching… something I don’t do often or heavy or really like doing at all, but as the week continued it definitely got easier and my shoulder became less sore the day after the lift. Since I’m trying something new I figure this was a perfect time for new gloves… mine are falling apart. Literally ripped at the seams. I also bought a lifting belt because I feel as I want to get heavier in my lifts, I want the support. I don’t want to rely solely on it, but I feel like it may help prevent my form from weakening as I increase. One thing I did that the program doesn’t really do is to make sure I’m hitting my steps by walking on the treadmill for about 15 to 20 minutes after my lift. While lifting works the body, you’re not moving a lot, walking on the treadmill after my lift let’s me stretch out (sometimes I do long stride lunges), but I can still hit my step goal for the day without exerting too much energy or over working my muscles. So one week down, three more to go with this lifting phase.
This morning I checked in and I was down .6 pounds from last week and I’m really happy about that. I feel like chemically, my stress levels are going down and settling so cortisol is going down. Most people don’t realize that stress increases cortisol, which prevents other processes in the body to occur and weight gain can occur or weightloss can stall. This paired with the binges resulted in a dramatic weight gain in a short period of time. I’m happy to say that I’ve lost 5.4 of the 10 pounds that I did gain through binges.
Physically, I’m feeling better. I mentioned earlier in the week that the gain was pulling at my abdomen around my scar. I was pulled so tight in surgery so bloating can be painful and well, that also means that kind of weight gain can be too. So 136 – I was 126 about a month ago, is a lot for my body. Today I was 130.6 and that feels pretty good. I’m hoping to keep my fluctuation between 128 and 130.
Mentally, I’m getting comfortable with this weight and how my body is looking since developing a range of macros to stay within. The range allows me to have some wiggle room in case I want to eat more one day, but I don’t want to eat as much another day. I’m loosely tracking and below are some of the things I ate this week that weren’t easily trackable, but still allowed me to loose .6 pounds.
Yeah I know, here I’m like let’s balance out our weight, and then I’m like ooh latte’s and cookies. But for me, being able to fit these into my daily life and still loose or maintain or whatever the goal at the time is truly is balance for me. Tomorrow was a little more indulgent than normal, latte and tart, but both were excellent and there were no regrets.
Class because I still have that going on
I got my grades for class this week and I got a 100% on my quiz, homework and discussion. My grades slightly slipped when all of this started, but I was honest with my professor about what was going on and she said if I needed extensions to let her know. I told her I didn’t need that, but I wanted her to know that the quality in my work wasn’t normal and I wanted her to know why.
I’m excited for the upcoming week. It’s week two of the lifting program. JP is at work and I’m figuring out my adventures.We have a wedding next weekend and the rehearsal dinner on Friday. I’m hopeful it’ll be a good week all around like this week was, but if not every day is perfect, it won’t be the end of the world.
We’re watching movies and lounging in the living room until it’s time to get ready for date night. So I’ll talk to you guys later.
I would say this week had more ups than downs and that’s a start. It wasn’t everything I wanted, but well you know one day at all I guess. It’s probably the best week I’ve had in a while. At the beginning of the week I set a list of things I wanted to accomplish. I didn’t have a set timeline other than to get these things done this week. Here’s the list:
- Workout 6 times this week
- Visit Salem
- Make 2 new apple recipes
- Read for 30 minutes
- Go hiking
I can safely say that I accomplished almost everything on this list. I read or colored most days. I wanted to read because it’s something I like to do, but I never have time for, but I found it to be very challenging. It’s clear that I’m not someone who just sits around. I can’t be in the quiet, I will start to hear small, insignificant sounds around me and those will become distracting. I’m great at tuning things out though. I can read in the car when JP has music on or I can block out music when I’m focused on work in the office. But this week, reading was definitely a challenge. I was able to get about 10 to 20 minutes done here and there, but sitting still for 30 minutes was a lot most days. I even found it hard to concentrate when I was coloring.
This I think is laughable, but it’s true. This week was where I learned that I need to sit down and stay down. I guess easier said than down.
I had no issue journaling when I felt it was necessary. I wrote mostly in the morning, but I will say it’s because I didn’t know what else to do when I woke up. There were a few mornings that I didn’t go to the gym early because of an appointment or I was tired and writing just seemed like the natural thing to do.
I didn’t complete my 6th day at the gym, which was back day and cardio, but a trip to the chiropractor in the morning showed me that I had dislocated a rib on my left side. This had been causing me some pain and tightness and even though it was put back where it belongs, I felt that it needed the day to relax. Instead we did some errands and I hit my step goal.
The week overall made me think about my schedule. It’s weird to think that I don’t have to get up early in the morning if I don’t want to. However, as I learned a few times this week – there are way too many people at the gym later in the day, even at 10 am. I mean, I asked myself “do people work?” I know they do, but holy crap there are so many people at the gym during the day. The number of people made me want to work out early like I normally do because there’s no issue getting equipment. I also love the morning crew, they’re respectful and pretty friendly, gym-goers later in the day… not so much. But at the same time, I have no where else to be during the day – most days. I’m partially concerned that I will have an issue getting bored.
My therapist and I talked about this in our session this week. I said that I was making a list of things I wanted to do, but attempting to give myself the flexibility so I was just saying it’s a list for the week. There were things I wanted to do daily like workout, but things such as baking or adventuring had some more flexibility. He asked about the gym and if it made sense to give myself time to go twice a day. I told him I didn’t want to do that because I felt nutritionally that would change my goals a lot, but I also didn’t want to put too much emphasis on exercise helping me deal with my anxiety and PTSD. I’m already frustrated about not competing this fall, I don’t want to get more upset than I need to be by spending hours in the gym. He agreed and took a note of that part of the conversation. This also led to a discussion about July and August, when I first saw him. I was having body dysmorphia, but as he explained it was a coping mechanism for PTSD and anxiety for things I had been dealing with professionally. So as I said, more time in the gym wouldn’t essentially solve anything. Events of September were the final trigger pull and here we are.
After this week’s appointment, I started looking at my lifting structure to see what I can do to maximize my higher food consumption as well as my time. I figured I can at least take my time in the gym and not rush around. I want to look at building my strength and develop muscle, but the idea still makes me nervous because that also means a willingness for potential weight or mass gain. That’s something I’m not 100% sure I’m ready for mentally and at this point, I don’t know if throwing myself into it is the best idea. I think if anything, continuing to play with my lifts and trying to have fun in the gym is my ultimate goal. Maybe hitting a PR or two.
Nutritionally, having a sliding macro scale was a great idea. Some days I just wasn’t super hungry to hit high numbers or meal spacing was funny. Other days I was like “hey, pass the cake.” On average I consumed 60F/167C/115P, my macro range is 45F/150C/128 to 52F/230C/128P. Not perfect, but I wasn’t trying to be. Fat was higher this week because it’s not hard to see that burritos with bacon will have a high fat content or just the fact that some days were a little over, but some days were a little under or around the target. I think this is progress. It was the first week where I didn’t have attacks, but I did have one night where I wanted to binge. I was nervous – it was the night before my therapy appointment and out of no where I felt the urge to search all the cabinets. I laid down for a while and then found a snack, that turned into two. Then I laid down again. Last night I went to bed early because I had the sudden urge to just want to eat everything. I told JP and he said “ok, let’s go to bed.” It was around 8 pm and we got into bed to watch TV. I probably fell asleep around 9.
Check in this morning didn’t look too shabby and I was down .6 pounds. So this is a huge win. I know my fluctuation will be between 128ish to 131, but I truly don’t feel comfortable on the higher end of that range. Just 4 weeks ago I was about 126 and the 5 pounds feels like a lot. My stomach feel tighter around my scar and it’s physically uncomfortable, not just mentally. As my food is more balanced and consistent, I think my weight will balance as well. So I’ll take the 131.2 today and hope for it to decrease slightly over the next week.
JP starts his new job on Monday and he just found out that he has to be there at 6:45 am for a meeting. This means on Monday he needs to be out of the house by 6:15 am. I know for him being at work after not having a job will be weird, just like I’m struggling to figure out what to do with myself while I have time off. I imagine that next week I will try to add a little structure to my day so that I don’t find myself alone with my thoughts too much.
We did adventure outside of the apartment and the gym. Surprisingly, it was a pretty nice week. I know it’s October, but in New England asking how the weather is can be a loaded question. It can be snowing or 90 degrees. I wanted to go hiking and we were able to on Wednesday after my therapy session. It was kind of windy at the summit, but aside from that it was perfect. The best way to end the hiking season and as of Thursday it’s been kind of gross and rainy, we lucked out.
Thursday we took our adventures out of central Massachusetts and I crossed something off my list here. We went to Salem. I wanted to do some of the touristy stuff and of course find good food. I’ve never been to Salem, but I’ve read enough about the history of the witch trials that I was ready for it. I was thoroughly disappointed. It was cheesy and I wanted history, not figurines… that we got at the Salem Witch Trials Museum – by the way, not a museum at all.However, we found a statues and burritos with bacon. We split the burritos because they were huge and we figured that would let us try more menu options – we do this way too often.
There’s a chance that since we were already out that way, I convinced JP that we should go by Kane’s for doughnuts. Saugus, where the flagship store lives, is about an hour an 20 minutes from us. The Boston location is a little more than an hour, so the fact that we were so close would’ve been blasphemous to not stop. Or at least that’s what I’m telling myself.
Bell and Hippo thoroughly enjoyed themselves on our adventures, but I think this was their favorite stop. The final selection: maple bacon yeast doughnut and Angry Orchard Hard Cider cake doughnut. Both excellent in their own right. Split in half for breakfast on Friday.
There were a lot of comments from followers saying they need to figure out IIFYM, whcih is really all about moderation and balance. Figuring out how many carbs, fats and protein your body needs to survive, to lose or gain. It’s not about eating all the doughnuts everyday, all day, even if that’s what your heart really wants. It’s about figuring out how to have a doughnut and chicken and broccoli too. I try to share a variety of meals I consume and, yeah it’s way more fun showing you a doughnut or cupcake case, but I do try to show you that I eat veggies and lean meat too. I don’t believe in cutting out food groups – my doctor has never suggested I do so. I don’t believe in say “no, you can never have that dessert.” That’s how shitty relationships with food start or develop deeper. I do believe in planning your day, at least loosely, around the treat you want and filling in around it. So doughnuts for breakfast with rough macros. To learn how I determine macros for snacks and meals I don’t make, check out my post here.
Friday was boring and all we did was run errands, but we had a chance to relax and lounge around. We watched some TV and like I mentioned above, went to bed early because I felt like I wanted to eat. Maybe not the best feeling to have when ending the night, but we snuggled in bed and it made me feel better.
I’m so far from where I want to be mentally, and physically, I’m hovering around where I want to be this fall and winter, close enough to almost taste . Today is a new day and there’s always tomorrow and the rest of my life, well next five weeks to start. I haven’t figured out my plan for the upcoming week, but it’s in the works. I believe there will be an adventure outside of Worcester planned, just haven’t determined where yet. Probably cupcakes, not 100% positive.
I’m bad at being spontaneous, but I guess that’s something I can work on this week.
The past few days have been weird.
Friday I didn’t know what to do with myself. I guess that’s normal though.
We cleaned and unpacked more boxes. I moved into the apartment in July quickly after my surgery when I had just gone back to work. JP moved in at the beginning of September. So while there’s quite a bit set up and unpacked, there’s also a good number of boxes. Many of you have told me that you’ve experienced the drawn out process of unpacking, but you haven’t really said if it impacted how you felt about your home. For me because I’ve been struggling to navigate the boxes, this place wasn’t feeling much like home. There’s home-y parts, but the living room hasn’t been useable until today and the apartment as a whole didn’t feel like ours. Unpacking on Friday made me feel calm. Like I was getting something accomplished even though I didn’t know what to do with myself.
Saturday wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t great either. I had chest pains because I was nervous about going to see JP’s family. As you can imagine, especially for some of you who are trying to have a better understanding of what I’m going through, but haven’t experienced it – they don’t understand. I’m not taking leave because I don’t like my job, quite the opposite. I love my job. To be a little cocky, I’m actually good at my job and I think it’s partially because I enjoy it so much – so I work as hard as I can. No, I haven’t been in the military, but as we learned in the last post, so many more people can experience PTSD, not just those who have been in combat. So, I had chest pain because I was concerned about the possibility of questions, not knowing if or how I should or would respond. My brain was essentially getting me worked up. #thanks
We did pick my car and that was so relieving. Relying on JP this week made me grateful so having my own vehicle to get around. Living 15 to 20 minutes away from most things, public transportation isn’t very reliable and walking isn’t much of an option. I went to the gym twice and I wish I had gone more, but looking back, I didn’t want to force him to do something he’s not interested in doing and at the beginning of the week there were some pretty low lows, so getting to the gym emotionally was tough. I will take my two days and say, this coming week is going to blow it out of the water. I was nervous about driving my car because aside from the rental car, I haven’t been behind the wheel much. Even driving the rental car made me nervous, but no one ever asked how I felt about getting behind a wheel after my accident.
After picking up my car we made the executive decision to knock out our steps at the mall. I told JP that I felt if we went home right away we wouldn’t be doing anything and I was already nervous that the next few weeks will be like that as I navigate my life. We mostly window shopped. We found a candy shop and split a house made peppermint patty and dark chocolate caramel cashew cluster. Both excellent and definitely big enough to share. We did find a cookbook that pairs cookies with beer. It really is our kind of cook book. The cookie recipes are paired with specific brews, but also suggest styles of beer. It may be fun for date night in. When we did get home, we made some dinner, put on a Halloween movie and put up the tree. Opening the ornaments was fun. JP asked me about each one, where it came from or what it meant. There’s a story with every one.
Today was the first day that I didn’t feel anxious or have an attack, even a mild one. Today was the first day I got up and felt not necessarily purpose, but felt like I knew what I wanted and needed to accomplish. I was up before my alarm and last night we went to bed at my normal time, well a little later. But 9:30 is closer to 9 than 11:30 is. Since I was up a little earlier than expected, I decided to write out a plan for my workout. I didn’t want to just wing it. I want to have some structure so I can be more strategic in maintaining my weight (input and output), but also in how I can look toward progressing in my lifts this fall and winter.
Today was all about the fun. Like I said, I had a plan in the gym and that started my day. JP and I had an awesome breakfast that consisted of a cinnamon apple bread that I baked on Saturday. Recipe here, found on Pinterest! We got ready and drove separately to New Haven, Connecticut because Alicia’s boyfriend Evan is a PhD candidate at Yale and she was visiting for the weekend. This girl is like a unicorn. I was so excited to meet her. The only plan we had was #brunch…#brunchsohardbasicswanttofindme
We checked out The Pantry, which had at least a 40 minute wait, but didn’t take reservations and was totally worth the wait. I’d still suggest just getting there early and not around 12:30. I’d also suggest the cinnamon roll pancake. Yep, it’s that excellent and I’m now searching for it on Pinterest.
We drove up to Hartford and walked around downtown for a bit. I now have a better understanding of what it means to be a working city. Hartford is dead on a Sunday, but when you’re with good people and the sun is out – you walk around and hit your step goal. You then quickly decide that you need to escape the dead city so you remember that doughnuts aren’t too far away. Alicia, Evan and I ventured to obtain doughnuts and JP headed back home because he had to work tonight. He hadn’t left for work yet when I got home and he’s pretty excited for the doughnuts I brought home from Mrs. Murphy’s in Southwick. I mean, have doughnut, will travel. Today we definitely cleared some miles, but I didn’t mind. I didn’t feel rushed. I didn’t feel like we couldn’t drive to doughnuts, which are in the middle of nowhere, because I didn’t feel like I needed to be somewhere. I felt like I was where I needed to be. Hanging out with a friend that I “met” months ago.
- Daybreak Breakfast for the YWCA of Central Massachusetts
I used to sit on the planning committee for this fundraiser. This organization supports survivors of domestic violence: women, children and yes, men too.
- Gym: Back&Shoulders&Cardio
- Read for 30 minutes
- Gym: Bis&Tris&Cardio
- Read for 30 minutes
- Gym: Legs
- Read for 30 minutes
- Gym: Upperbody&Cardio
- Read for 30 minutes
- Gym: Back&Cardio
- Read for 30 minutes
I’m in the process of scheduling my appointments with my therapist for the week, I think there will be two sessions, hoping for Tuesday and Thursday, but we will see. Here are a few things I want to do this week as well, but haven’t decided when to do them, but figure that can be a conversation with JP as he figures out his plan for starting his new job.
- Go to Salem (we’ve already talked about this one)
- Go hiking/trail walking
- Bake two more apple recipes: I’m thinking apple crisp and possibly hand pies
I keep thinking about what I’m going to do with the time off. I know there’s no pressure to have some big awakening experience where all of a sudden I have clarity, and there’s no wrong way to figure your shit out, but I also have a huge problem slowing down – could you guess? I have a problem with going too much with the flow. I know this is going to make me uncomfortable and I’m hoping that by having a loose list of things I want to accomplish or do or eat or see that I will feel like I have more control. I will feel there is still purpose to get up every day. I can’t remember the last time I had a vacation or a break or a chance to just say “nope, not today.” I have a partial fear that I won’t be good at relaxing and that I will work myself up. I’m going to have to get over that because I need to feel like myself again, not just for myself, but for JP and others that I interact with.
Here’s to the first week of figuring out my life a little more.