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2 bits

JP tells me all the time that I’m bad at spending money. I don’t buy things I want, but worse – I don’t always buy things I need.

It’s easy for me to buy a new dress for a wedding, but trust me when I say I shop the sale rack, I check for coupons and I use my rewards card that I immediately pay off. I can’t believe I’ve turned into that adult, but I have and I’m not ashamed of it.

Do I buy food? Yep. Do we go out to eat sometimes? Yep. But I guess those experiences sometimes win out and that’s something I’m working on.

Thinking about some conversations I’ve had with clients over the past few months and when I say those helping others can sometimes struggle to take their own advice – I mean it. However, I try to reflect on the conversations I have with clients and then look at the habits in my own life.

So the first piece of advice: it’s ok for things not go according to plan.

My goal is about 5 days in the gym – I know I feel good with this physically and mentally. I know it helps me maintain my size as well as all the body feels – digestion, improved muscle recovery. I’ve probably been getting 4 sessions in a week consistently. Sometimes I work out with clients, but that doesn’t really count.

Most weeks, 4 days out of the 5, is pretty damn good when I look at everything else I’m doing. But there are weeks that I know I made excuses or didn’t manage my time as well as I know I can and should. Yep, said should there.

When I’m in the gym, I can focus on me and tune out the world. It’s an hour-ish of focus on me, not work.

At first I thought I wanted to get in that fifth day because of some other things I’m navigating with my body, but it’s really about refilling my own cup. I notice that when I get bogged down and don’t make time to just relax, I nitpick – I’m sure many of you do that too.

So that 5-day gym routine helps me reset and yes, many weeks 4 is enough, but sometimes I need to push for that 5th.

I talked with JP about this because our morning routine is together and we’ve gotten comfortable with that. I found two days that make sense to go early in the morning if I want to (Tuesday and Friday) because Monday’s and Thursday’s aren’t late nights and I can get plenty of sleep before getting up early for the gym.

Second piece of advice: you are not made to fit your clothes, your clothes are made to fit you.

While yes, some aspects of health are related to size i.e. joint pain is a good example other aspects are about your mental health and how you feel. If you’re clothes don’t fit you it’s easy to get frustrated and shut down. It’s easy to nitpick.

While I’ve been good at recognizing changes in my musculature and looking at those changes in photos, I hadn’t really gone through my closet much. July was so hot and humid for us (it broke records!) I barely wore regular clothes and tried to stay in flowy things. So putting on regular shorts and realizing that they fit my waist just fine, but weren’t as comfortable on my larger glutes and thighs was kind of a mental fuck.

Being smaller never made it easier to find clothes. I don’t care what anyone tells you.

So being a smaller body with less fat and muscle when I was competing was a struggle as has being a small body with a little more fat and muscle living a more normal life.

Clothes should fit you regardless of how much space you take up. It’s not a punishment to go buy something smaller or bigger. If you’re not comfortable you will not feel your best.

I bought two new tank tops to replace two for the gym. They were a large and an X-large, and probably at least 5 years old. I know I had one before I met JP and that was about 5 years ago. I wear a small, not a large or X-large. while many of my clothes have been replaced there are a few I held onto because I liked the image or design (mostly shirts). However, these are awkward and I find myself tying my shirt up more often or just taking it off out of discomfort. So, I bought two new ones and have a few others I want to replace.

I bought two new pairs of bottoms – a pair of linen shorts and a pair of linen pants.

I tried on my jeans I got in the spring and they still fit well and comfortable, but last years shorts are actually from three summers ago when I was my smallest and like I mentioned, they fit my waist, but my lower body has gone through some big changes.

I opted for linen instead of the standard cotton blend of the original shorts because I can’t comfortably go up a size. They’re huge on my waist and there’s not much of a difference in how they feel on my thighs, so it’s not really a win. The linen though – the elastic waist band has a drawstring so I can tighten them, and the leg holes are loose so my quads can breathe just fine.

Getting new shorts and new tank tops actually fixed the problem I thought I was having. It wasn’t a problem with my body, even though I would like it to move a bit more, which is on me to put myself first some days. The problem was with the clothes I was trying to put on my body, which weren’t necessarily made for my body.

My body has muscle and it has some fat. My body has a bigger bottom half than it does top half. My body bends and moves a lot.

Do I want a smaller bottom half? Some days I do. Some days I don’t care. I think that also comes with the territory of having had both kinds of bodies. But identifying the real problem will help me, and maybe you too, navigate what we actually want and what we actually need.

So, I need clothes that fit me. I need to investment in myself outside of coaching or education. I need to allow myself to have wants. I need to understand that it’s also ok to feel torn between liking my body and wanting it to be a little smaller, but acknowledging what the purpose for a smaller one is – and that’s something I haven’t thought about much until lately.

Another thing to think about.

Rant over and out.

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