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12 hours

I like to think about the bigger picture. I like to look ahead. There’s so much time ahead to move through.

Sometimes when I look back, time feels longer than it actually is (or was)and that’s just odd, but I’m sure you’ve felt the same.

There are other times that I feel like I’m losing time and it’s speeding by. These are the times that I recognize I need to slow myself down in some way.

Monday was an odd day.

I was more tired than I believed I should be when the alarm went off, but I also know that I had a hard time falling asleep. When the alarm went off I asked if we could push pancakes off until dinner so I could roll over. This was met with “of course” and then a quick discussion about other breakfast-y items that could be prepared quickly while JP was heading out the door.

I woke up an hour later and felt better, but my appetite was off. I made a cup of coffee and got ready for my first client call for the day.

Sparks flew during the call. Every week there’s a new connection made, another light bulb that goes off – a new reflection. I was able to push me off during our hour.

When I got off the call, I felt that it was enough to get me going, then I sat down on my bed and realized I just wanted to stay here.

I grabbed my laptop and my books and started on work from bed. I figured I could get out of bed for calls and go to the office, but throughout the day I could allow myself to stay here and just be. It was a short day as far as direct check-ins go – I only had three scheduled and one was already done.

Then a call got rescheduled and I figured, maybe I could take a break and watch some TV and just let me mind be blank. I still hadn’t eaten, but I had a cup of tea with me now and I could check in with myself to see if I needed to eat around lunch time.

Then it started.

I laid in bed crying, feeling paralyzed, being pulled back to a time that I’ve been getting pulled back to lately. A time that I know I need to deal with, but a time that I’m still struggling to figure out how to approach. I’ve started and stopped writing about it in my journal. I’ve tried drawing it out. I’ve crossed that out. I’ve tried using pseudonyms – but that’s not really an effective way to deal with it.

I felt like I was watching myself from across the room. I could feel the bed, but it felt like I wasn’t in it.

I texted a friend. I texted another. These were the two lifelines I created.

One came over on her lunch hour and sat in bed with me. We sat in silence. We sat and talked about her work day. We sat and talked and she held me while I cried.

That must of been what I needed to turn the day around. I got all the work I needed to done from bed before my evening call.

I have no problems compartmentalizing and putting my issues aside – I don’t think any of my clients knew Monday was bad.

However, appetite was tricky. That is something new that I’ve been experiencing since getting off of birth control. Before if I struggled to navigate, I would experience the urge to binge and eventual binges with disassociation. I haven’t binged in almost 18 months because I’ve been able to navigate those urges and determine cause better. However, I now sometimes experience loss of appetite with disassociation whereas before my appetite was never gone.

I do believe that hormonal birth control has played a role in the relationship of hunger and appetite suppression with my stress levels, and it’s interesting to navigate that a bit.

When JP got home I made myself a batch and a half of pancakes and topped them with peanut butter. I didn’t feel stuffed of like I had overdone it. But I knew after a day of just coffee, tea and water, I needed to do what I could.

During the last call of the day, I felt like I had done a 180. My energy was normal, but this boost kept me up late, which made Tuesday feel a bit odd at first too. Appetite was completely normal on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday.

I’ve sat down and done more writing. I’ve planned some blocks of nothingness – no reading, no calls, no emails – just time to be. It’s going to be interesting to say the least.

I know that there are some who think that those who have struggles like mine shouldn’t help others. We all have our struggles and that makes us capable of helping others and pointing them in a direction to get more assistance outside our reach.

Here are some other people who have “their issues”, but seem to help others just fine:

We all need a break. As a God-loving friend told me, even He rested after putting in the work. Not sure, if I think there’s a He, but I agree that after work is done, rest should be had.

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