I am alive.
That’s what I’ve been thinking about the past few weeks.
I am alive. But more than that – I am living.
There have been times in my life when I didn’t feel I was being my truest self. I think most of them were happening in high school and really, at that point – are any of us our truest self?
There have been other times that I’ve stepped back and thought, “well, damn”. There are moments of “how did I get here?” and of course there are moments of “I’m so glad I got here.”
I’ve been thinking about writing this for a week and now there’s less than 4 hours left.
A new decade. A new year – again. Not really a new me, but I do think I’m constantly evolving and trying to be the better of best selves I can be…was that even grammar there?
I love cake. I guess I’ll start there. I love birthday cake, but not just any birthday cake – German Chocolate Cake. It’s fancy. I know that’s weird to say, but that’s how I feel – sue me.
I don’t remember when I first got hooked, but I remember the moment I refused to let go. It’s that moment that also caused me to hate birthdays too.
I was going to be turning 12. It was the first birthday without my mom. At the time we had a nanny insert so many jokes here and my dad had asked her to take me to the store to pick out a cake for us to have at family dinner for my birthday. We got to the store and as a 12 year old I think the idea of the chocolate and caramel and frosting swirls and sprinkles made this cake look spectacular. I declared it was the one I wanted, and it was immediately met with “no, I don’t like German Chocolate because I don’t like coconut.”
Is it weird that I remember that?
I also met her declaration with, “but it’s my birthday?” Almost questioning as thought I didn’t really know if it was my birthday or hers. Like who gets to make these decisions if not the birthday girl?
There are a few other birthdays I remember, but they mostly were like that. A decision that wasn’t mine. It’s just a cake, and sometimes I think do I like that cake because of it’s beauty or in spite of her remark. Then I had a German Chocolate cake from a shop in Boston – and it was probably the best I ever had and I remembered it’s my favorite cake first because of it’s beauty and second because of it’s taste. It marries chocolate, caramel and coconut perfectly.
My clients laugh at me sometimes when I ask them to make connections of their emotional attachment to food and specific events – and here’s mine with a cake. Have you ever thought this for yourself? I know – I’m side tracked right now, but I’m just saying it’s a powerful connection if you can make it.
So as an adult, it’s been hard to be excited because there’s this fear of getting let down regardless of the excitement about the newness of the fresh year.
We get freshness on January 1st, but I also think we get freshness on our birthdays and this one just seems like just a big one.
I know – I know, some of it is my own fault, but guys 30 is big. A new decade! insert a joke about how this only happens every 10 years.
Don’t you remember thinking as a kid what it would be like to be an adult? It wasn’t until college that I couldn’t stop imaging life as an adult. There were times as a kid I didn’t think I would see passed 16 – it’s heartbreaking, but it’s reality.
Today, I’m 29 and in a few hours I get to be 30.
I get freshness. I get more life.
I’m excited and terrified.
I’m excited because I love newness. Fresh snow, fresh frosting, a new jar of peanut butter – something about newness gets me.
I’m terrified because what if I’m bad at being an adult? I guess the benefit of being an adult is that if JP argues with me about cake I can just say “fine,let’s get two cakes cakefordays.” – and yes, sometimes I verbalize hashtags, don’t act like you don’t.
It’s taken me 30 years, but I feel like I get to finally be my truest. I think it’s been trying to shine out the past few years, but always felt like it needed to go back inside and hide.
I’m sick of hiding.
I get to live and I get to do powerful things because I have power in me and I finally feel it and see it.
So here’s to 30. Here’s to being true. Here’s to having the cake that you want to – or going cakeless, that would be cool if you’re into that kind of thing.