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I got ahead of myself

16 days.

And then a decade gone.

It’s so weird to think about being here. As a teenager there were days I didn’t think I could wake up again. I don’t know if I’ve felt that same way since, although I know there were times that I thought about death and dying.

As adults, there are definitely conversations it has come up in like when I had surgery three years. Discussing potential complications – because it was a major surgery and who got to make those choices – no brainer, JP.

Alone, the conversation doesn’t come up.

This morning I found myself getting in my own way.

I got worked up. I started to panic. I got frustrated – panicked some more. I paused and walked away – went to the gym. Came back and looked wider at the issue.

I asked myself why. Then another why. Then another.

I realized that I was getting anxious about what’s coming.

I was getting worked up about something that is close, but still far away.

I keep talking about these big things, well, some of them are happening this week and it’s the build up that is pushing me.

It’s exciting and terrifying, and it’s allowed to be.

I love looking ahead. But when I look back, I also can’t believe it’s been almost 30 years. I can’t believe there are days that I survived. I can’t believe there are days that I was the champion.

I have had far more champion days than just surviving days, but I do also believe that it’s ok to just allow yourself to survive every now and then.

Looking ahead, there is so much potential, but I need to stop and not allow myself to get ahead of myself. There is plenty of time even though it doesn’t always feel like it.

There are 24 hours in a day, 168 in a week and 8,760 in a year unless there’s a leap year – then there’s 8,784.

Some of the hours I need a plan and others I need to be ok with ebbing and flowing – even though there are times that feel terrifying too.

So today, I had a wave of panic followed by a sigh of relief followed by a sip of coffee and talk to figure it out.

I have three written down for this month and that’s what I’m holding onto.

16 days until 30, and 17 until the next decade.

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