This is going to be the weirdest post I probably ever write on this site. But this is my space, so I’m going to write it anyway.
The best thing that has happened since coming back “online”- when I say coming back “online” I mean coming back to Instagram, because let’s face it – only a few thousand read my blog and a couple thousand interact with me on Facebook.
So, the best thing that has happened since logging back onto Instagram was losing 1.7K followers.
In a world where numbers matter, it was relieving. It is relieving. It means I don’t matter.
I don’t mean this in a negative way – I mean it in a – I-can-be-my-damn-self-fearlessly way.
It’s hard to practice fearlessness, but honestly, if I back down because of fear of the unpredictable or the unknown then I never give myself a chance to succeed or fail organically.
So, I pretended to be fearless when I logged on in October, and now I can breathe easier and actually be fearless.
My page was never meant to blow up like it did and I know it did because of competing. Because the thrill factor, the shock factor, the extreme nature of being obese and making a change to being overweight and making another – making the decision to be a competitor. Owning it and calling myself a competitor.
I think for some it was hope that they could accomplish cool things with dedication and heart and time – lots of time. For others it was entertainment – what will she do next?
For me – it’s always been about sharing my life. It’s always been about sharing what’s important to me – food, friends, hobbies. The photos may have changed over time, but things loosely fall into those categories still.
And here’s my very first post – July 3, 2012.
I’m so relieved – that’s what it is, relief – that I can be myself without fear. Because I’ve always been here, I’ve always been me, but there’s also always been two hands on my shoulder – one to encourage and one to hold back.
2018 is ending differently than I thought it would, but again, in a different way, I feel like the rest of my life is just starting.