Trusting someone means that you think they are reliable, you have confidence in them and you safe with them physically and emotionally. Trust is something two people in a relationship can build together when they decide to trust each other. – LoveIsRespect.Org
Last week was the two-year anniversary of taking leave and January will be the two-year anniversary of actually leaving my career – it’s been weird thinking back to that time. I can still see and feel the anxiety I had. But I can also look around now and think of how much goodness there is today. This post is a little all over, but yesterday I was reflecting on how I physically felt in my body and after speaking with a client, I wanted to get my thoughts out on the screen.
So kindly, bear with me – or bluntly, read through my mess and love me anyway.
I have a different body now and I’m learning to be okay with that.
I had a different body when it became clear to me that losing weight wasn’t going to be temporary. When I started to believe that I could lose the weight and keep it off, it was obvious that it was going to take some getting used to.
I know I’m not alone when I say that it took time shopping for my body again, and again, and again. Every time I needed new clothes, shopping became more excited, but also more challenging and frustrating.
I had to remind myself to not reach for an XL or a 2XL, I could be confident that the large would fit. Eventually getting to a medium and then realizing I’m a small person.
Making the connection that the size I wanted to be – the amount of space I wanted to take up didn’t correlate with my ideas about how much weight I should have. I wanted to be a size 10 and maybe 150 pounds. At 150 pounds I was a size 6. At my leanest during season I was 122 pounds and a 0/2. Comfortably, in the mid-130s I’m a 2/4 right now.
My glutes have grown. My quads have grown. My midsection has leaned out. I’ve had surgery. My back has grown. I’m lifting heavier and I don’t feel pressure to get stronger. I like where I’m at.
Every small change has come with a new mindset. Nothing drastic, but slowly adapting.
I’ve been practicing – and that’s what I’m going to call it, practicing. I’ve been practicing trusting myself. I’ve been working on my self relationship. It’s a slow progression to say the least, but as I reflect on the guidance I give my clients and the guidance I seek as well, I know slow is just fine.
Trusting myself at first meant going from tracking macronutrients specifically and rigorously to journaling my food alongside my workouts. I wrote “two slices of bread”, 100 calories. From there it progressed to just “two slices of bread”. My notebook is just for my workouts now.
Trusting myself meant allowing myself to be more present and push to try new things. In the past year, I’ve added meditation and yoga to my list of coping mechanisms. I had actually signed up for a mindfulness meditation course, but after the first class (3 hours long), I realized that I wasn’t comfortable dedicating myself to that kind of practice. So trusting myself has also meant listening with understanding and backing off when necessarily.
I’m working out a lot less and that’s not something I’m proud of except for the fact that I’m not terrified that I’ll lose progress.
People think losing is hard – they should try maintaining and balancing life – that’s hard.
Outside of conversations with JP, I never really said that I was nervous about maintaining, but it came back to how I trust myself. A part of me wanted to stay the same size I was when I had surgery, but a part of me also wanted to grow.
When I had surgery – gravity told me I was 130 pounds going in the OR and about 128 pounds leaving the OR. I think part of my struggles do tie back to my former coach that I used during my second season and post-surgery because I had continued to lose even though I didn’t want to.
While I understood nutrition and exercise, I had trusted her process and wasn’t as involved in determining my benchmarks. I’ve talked about this before, but looking back through my notes from my time with her, I realized that the protocol wasn’t consistent with my goals.
Looking back, I can’t place full blame on someone else, part of the struggle was also my own mental health – personal and professional – that summer into fall was a rough time, part of it was like I said, my own ignorance.
Taking medical leave two years ago did a lot for me mentally and physically. It allowed me to create an environment to change my training and eating comfortably. It gave me room to push myself, which brings me here.
After competing last year and getting the leanest I’ve ever been – After seeing my emotional health go out the window – After launching my coaching practice and diving into school and then ultimately graduating and getting a job aside from coaching – I see how different this life is.
Different isn’t bad, it’s just different.
Over the past year, I’ve created blips of structure. Each semester I could block off time to go to class, to work on school work – I could adjust my work schedule. I found common ground between my goals and my schedule.
My goal wasn’t to workout in the gym 5 days a week anymore, it became it be as active as I can be each week.
The task to accomplish this was then to sit down weekly and look at my calendar and determine the blocks of time week by week that made sense to be active.
I also allowed my definition of active morph away from lifting. I ran outside, I ran inside, I went to yoga, I hit a step goal for the day, I did a HIIT circuit. Eventually, I completed a 13-week heavy weight focus program because I found I had the time to commit to it.
As I worked through goal setting with my clients, I was also re-evaluating my personal approach.
I don’t think loving yourself means loving every single thing about yourself, every single day – but it does mean that you are satisfied with your abilities and give yourself some understanding. I think trusting yourself means that you are confident in the knowledge and abilities you have, but also know how to figure it out when things don’t go to plan. Like good leaders do for their people, you need to have opportunity to fail and opportunity to be success.
I find myself smiling when I look back at how my body has changed and how my life has changed. I’m still nervous that a hiccup will happen, but I’m pretty proud of where I am.
That being said – 30 is around the corner and I’m thinking about how I’m going to finish out 29.