I Grabbed What I Could and Tried To Let Go of Things and People

This past week I conducted an experiment. I thought it was a pretty important experiment. I told JP and my therapist about it. I told them both that wanted to show others what my old eating habits looked like in comparison to my current day. I think too many people stumble across my page and see the end results and get excited, but they don’t truly understand how far I’ve come.

Of course I share transformation photos, but it’s not hard to understand something physical. I wanted to show people how my decision making has changed. I wanted people to understand that before I cared about health and fitness and being healthy overall, that my decisions sucked. I mostly wanted others to understand how one day of that wasn’t going to change everything that they’ve worked so hard for. I wanted to show others that you can treat yourself and not be derailed. My experiment was slightly overboard. My old normal is far extreme from my new normal, but at one point I liked that normal. My treats now fit pretty well into my plan, and if they don’t fit perfectly, they don’t push me over like that. But the point is I know that some of those who follow me on social media can be easily frustrated and will self sabotage – this looks like 50 shades of gray.

You saw me document it on Instagram and I wrote a blog post recapping it.

Thursday I felt pretty good after all of the food on Wednesday. I think the two worst things were 1. I woke up starving…after a day of consuming 4,400 calories and 2. I was sleepy by the afternoon, I finally felt the crash.

On Friday I woke up and after Thursday’s day of eating on a cut, most of the bloat was off. I felt really good. I felt lean and I felt much more clear headed – less foggy, didn’t get tired until around what would be bed time, except we went on a date.

This morning I was down .2 pounds from Wednesday morning’s starting point of 135.0. I won’t lie I wasn’t expecting that, but at the same time, my body did some crazy losses during prep after refeeds – so maybe I shouldn’t be too surprised.

I went to therapy this morning and I told my therapist about it. I told him that I think it was eye opening for some people how eating without purpose adds up quickly. I think the reverse – it was eye opening for some that if they just get back on track, things will go their way with time. Lastly, I told him I thought it helped me see that I am learning about my body – it’s limitations and how it reacts. The experiment was a good reminder for myself, especially as I start thinking about the 2017 season.

No one is immune to frustration. It doesn’t matter your goal, you can find it anywhere.

I told him I thought that doing the experiment helped me see that when I’m in a good place I have complete control and have no issue sticking to my plan.

I finally feel like I have some control. No, I’m not talking about the power struggle with food. I haven’t had those since October, but I also don’t think that’s been the true problem, that was and is just a byproduct of the real problem. I feel like I have some control on my life. What I’m doing with it, the kind of impact I want to make. Almost like, if I looked back could I be satisfied with what I’ve accomplished – well, not quite, but I think I’m getting there or at least have a plan in place.

I told JP this morning while we were running errands that I feel like I will be in a good place when I decide to start competition prep. I feel better than I did in August. I’ve had time to experiment with my body, play with lifting structures – see how and where my body gains muscle and fat mass. Most importantly I took control of my health again without assistance. I relearned a few things and started researching others. I feel more capable now than I did before. I don’t have a crutch and there’s no one to please. No coach, no audience – while there can be pressure from social media.In the morning when I get up, it’s a short list of things to accomplish that will build and accumulate on other lists. But at the end of the day, it’s me and JP getting into bed and shutting off the lights.

There’s 14 days left in the year and I feel like I’ve grown more in the past 64 days than I did in the whole year.

When I look back on the year and think about competing and surgery and the eviction. I think about JP moving home and being jobless – while thankfully short lived. I think about work and school and being on leave.I think about the amount of lattes and cookie crumbs that accompanied my journal. I finally feel like I’m at peace with how this year went.

I grabbed what I could and tried to let go of things and people. I let frustrations fuel me and I tried to pick myself up off the floor over and over. If I couldn’t pick myself up, I tried to let JP. When he didn’t know what to do, we sat there together on the kitchen floor with a box of Oreos and a deck of cards.

I don’t have resolutions for the new year, my goals don’t have a timeline like that. Mostly, I’m impatient and I don’t like to wait -a new calendar year doesn’t mean anything to me except an opportunity to continue to grow, but I can start that today. I mean I started months ago.I guess it took 4,400 calories and two days of detoxing to see how much I can truly control. I’m going to keep my head up and my eyes forward and hopefully in there next year the only time I’m sitting on the floor is because I can’t stop laughing long enough to stand up.

❤ Cristina

 

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