The past four Decembers I’ve thought about what I wanted to do in the New Year. I’ve thought about what I had already accomplished and how I could build on that. Last year, my goals consisted of competing in my second bikini competition, getting stronger in my lifts and excelling at my job.
I entered 2016 on prep. Like many competitors I started on January 1st, but unlike many competitors my New Year’s Day kicked off at Gillette Stadium for the Bruins Winter game. My prep started at a tailgate. It started with protein pancakes and egg whites on the grill. It started with water and passing on the 8 am beer. When I look back on that prep, those four months, I am in love with that girl.
She continuously challenged herself and trusted someone else – something that many of us acknowledge is a hard feat. At the time, I felt prep was flawless because I was never hungry like I know is possible. I never felt overworked or tired. I also am always in bed early. I learned about myself a lot over those four months.
I also learned about a dark side that I never thought would resurface.
What I haven’t talked about is the specifics.
My reverse diet was slow. Slower than it should’ve been. My workouts were still roughly the same from prep – high volume and cardio. Not a lot of cardio, but again, I was done with the season and changes could’ve been made. They weren’t and at the time I was trusting someone else.
I reversed for a month before I had surgery and while I was enjoying the reverse I found myself paranoid. I was nervous about the scale moving up. I was nervous that if the scale moved my reverse would continue to be slow and that I wouldn’t get more nutrition added to my plan. I had heard of other competitors having their overall caloric intake increased greatly after their season because continuing the deficit for too much longer could be harmful. Essentially, why keep losing weight if you’re not wanting to or trying to?
Because I have emails, I have records.
My overall macros one month after my show were: 47F/170C/130P or 1,623 calories.
My TDEE or total daily energy expenditure is almost 2,000 calories WITHOUT cardio right now. At the time I didn’t know this because while with my coach I wasn’t controlling my nutrition or workouts. I was trusting to guided appropriately.
When I had surgery my macros dropped to: 40F/135C/125P or 1,400 calories.
At the time, when we had been talking about the lack of exercise I had asked about dropping macros not realizing how many more calories the body burns when it is under duress. Meaning, when you’re sick your fever is the body response to using energy to kill off bacteria. When you’re healing, especially after trauma, your body uses more calories than normal to get you better as fast as it can. I did say I wanted us to come up with a plan so I wouldn’t drop weight or too much during recovery because that was a concern I had. I was on the table at 130.0 and had 1.6 pounds of skin removed. But on June 18th I weighed in at 126.2 pounds. My lowest had been around 125.5.
That was the first real check in back into the gym post surgery because I couldn’t stand straight up the week before even though I had been cleared and went back to the gym on the 9th for light upper body.
I always felt satisfied with my macros because I do really eat in volume. You eat a TON of broccoli and it’s still low in carbs. So I was eating, but I wasn’t eating what I should’ve. This check-in my macros were increased to 43F/172C/125P or 1,575 calories. The following check-in I explained I was satisfied, but I could always eat and now we were adding some cardio back in even though weightloss wasn’t the goal. But why would I argue.
New macros for June 26 – 45F/185C/125P or 1,645 calories
But, on July 3rd, because my weight on the scale was increasing I got nervous and asked to keep my macros the same. I didn’t understand I was still in a deficit and the fluctuation was truly about sodium intake, water intake and some residual swelling due to the summer heat and surgery. Now I know that.
I didn’t know any better and it seemed like she had been listening to me. I even wrote a post about why were a good partnership. But we were good until we weren’t. It’s okay to ask questions and want to know answers. It’s also okay for trainers and coaches to say I don’t know the answer, let’s figure it out together. I started asking for harder workouts because I knew I could handle them. I asked for less reps and more sets, I wanted to lift heavier and see how much I could push and pull. I asked for pyramids. I don’t know what I was given, but from research that’s not what was provided.
Anyway. At this point I was more content with the nutrition provided to me. I was able to fit in cupcakes easier and I was still eating in volume. But what she didn’t realize was, I was partially lying to her.
I was getting so nervous about the scale moving I started making myself physically sick. Mind over matter right? Well, your mind controls a lot and as someone with anxiety it’s not hard to get yourself worked up. So yes, there were a few times this summer I threw up because I got so anxious that it just happened. There were also a few times that I regretted the extra gram or two of peanut butter and wished I could and twice I did.
But you know what. I can’t fully blame her for the decision I made, but she isn’t innocent either. She had my weight and measurements every week. She had my progress photos every week. She could’ve calculated y body fat or TDEE any time she wanted to. But again, I had lost weight, I had gotten on stage, I tried new workouts – what could I complain about. I didn’t see the problem. But looking back there were more red flags.
I had sent her an email asking her opinion as my coach about muscular definition and symmetry – two things that are important in competing. I asked if we could talk about strengths and weakness and develop goals.I asked if we could talk on the phone about this. That section of my email was completely ignored. I started asking for harder workouts because I knew I could handle them. I asked for less reps and more sets, I wanted to lift heavier and see how much I could push and pull. I asked for pyramids. I asked for 10g of protein more in which I was told it would tun to fat… I had read conflicting information about protein utilization and I’m not sure if I believe that it automatically converts to fat. If you’re in a deficit how could it possibly do that? A deficit is a deficit, right?
It became clear that I wasn’t being listened to anymore and I’ve always believed in doing my own research and educating myself. I don’t want to be doing something just because someone says I should. When I got my workouts for the first week of prep she left off a day. We had discussed going from back to six days because prep isn’t real life. I understand when coaches have multiple clients and the to-do lists are lengthy, but after parts of my emails being ignored, it was the last straw.
I thanked her for helping me, but that I felt I wanted to try on my own. I told her she had helped me when I needed it and that I probably would’ve been lost after surgery without her, which is partially true. But I also believe -looking back – that I would’ve found my way.
The summer spiraled into the fall and I was already predisposed to breaking down. I felt like someone I had been paying for help, didn’t care about me or my goals. I felt that they weren’t listening and here I was getting ready to do another prep and questioning myself left and right. Stepping back in September was ultimately because of my mental health – my PTSD and anxiety broke me down, but I shouldn’t have even tried to begin with. I spoke with another competitor and she said her coach says you should pick a “season”. Do you want to compete in the first half of the year or the second? I had still been “dieting down”and been in a caloric deficit. I was arguing with the scale because it was the method I had been used to using.
I recalculated my TDEE and had my body fat retested. Almost 2,000 calories in a daily burn and I was still sitting around 15% body fat, what I was on stage day, but I couldn’t tell you if I had gained any muscle. I probably lost some. I started writing my workouts again and I decided well if I want to eat more I should do more cardio. That went out the window so damn fast. That thinking officially went to bed when I started PH3.
I haven’t done programmed cardio since I started in October. I weighted 133.8 this morning and my waist is 1″ bigger than when I was on stage and .25” bigger than my last check-in with my old coach. My hips are .5″bigger than stage day. When I updated my stats on bodyspace today it told me I was about 12% body fat and the error range is 2-3%. I weigh almost 6 pounds more than when I stepped on stage and my body fat is close to what it was then. These past months I rediscovered why I got into lifting and competing to begin with. I listened to my body. I read study after study. I check books out of the library and read blog after blog. I also journaled and cried and ate doughnuts and cupcakes and laughed with my boyfriend. We sat on the floor and played cards. We made dinner together and loosing counted things. Some days have been better than others, but this year is different.
This year I learned more about myself and instead of thinking of my goals in December, I thought about my goals in October and in November. I thought about the impact I’m making and the one I want to make. I thought about how the majority enjoys engaging with me and the minority can rock in a corner because cyber bullying is something the kids who never grew up do.
This year I have some amazing dreams and rolling goals. I don’t think setting them at the end of the year is the most effective for me. That’s why I started coaching in December, I wanted others to give themselves a chance to get started before the new year. I wanted them to feel empowered for the new year because I found this new found power these past few months.
So yes, I have these amazingly big goals. And you’re just going to have to watch them unfold because even I am sitting here in awe. But I can tell you, that this year taught me to trust someone and then it taught me that it’s ok to question things and then eventually let go. It taught me that you can be more capable than you give yourself credit for. It taught me that you can fail and not be a failure. It also taught me that you can change your mind all the time and that’s 100% ok too.
2017, I’m so ready for you. 2016, I can’t wait to see you die.
P.S. Please don’t take Betty White.
We all talk about the importance of enjoying the ride. Enjoying the journey as you develop and accomplish goals and figure out how to create some kind of balance in your life. It’s not a 50/50 balance I’m seeking and I think most of you will agree that you’re not looking for that either, but some days 60/40 feels equal or 25/75 gives relief.
I’ve heard it be called a tightrope because it really does depend on what’s important at the time. I’ve mentioned before that there were times my career or education were more important and my weightloss took a step back into a planned plateau.
This is the first holiday season I’m not losing weight. I talked about that at Thanksgiving. I said that for Thanksgiving, I knew what would be offered and what I needed to supplement. With tracking my macro nutrients, I’ve always given myself permission to try new things at the table, but remembered to be mindful – try to stay within my goals. I take smaller portions so I can have or try more things and I ask what the ingredients are because of new sensitivities that have developed since my life became healthier.
This year I followed the same principles, but enjoyed a few more cookies than I have in past years. I am working hard to figure out what my balance looks like for this point in my journey – this point in my life. I have felt more relieved the past few weeks, but like I mentioned during the Thanksmas party we attended a few weeks ago, my anxiety gets the best of me and this much social interaction drains me.
I have interacted with over 34 people in the past two days, not including JP or the barista at Starbucks. I’ve answered questions regarding my weightloss and how much more I want to lose – answer: I’m not losing weight and haven’t been losing weight to be healthy in quite some time. I did attempt a competition prep in August, but ended it in the middle of September around the time of my anxiety and PTSD attacks. I’ve been answering questions about coaching and macro counting and if I’m allowed to eat carbs – answer: I eat all the carbs and champagne is one of the best carbs to drink. Thankfully, no one this year questioned my plate or the portions, however, someone did comment to JP that he had such a small portion of something…when he had seven other things on his plate that he was ready to eat. They’ve started to slightly understand that this is my life, but still have a hard time understanding how it’s part of his.
But it’s not just this aspect of the holidays that in a way stresses me out and makes me want to nap.
When JP and I finally had the present talk, it was late in the game and aside from bills or classes I want to take, I couldn’t think of anything I wanted. I could list a bunch of things I need, but if we’re going to be honest – I don’t need presents at 27. We decided to not really do presents this year. We would do some stocking stuffers, but of course he broke the rules when I learned that he bought me two Disney movies he knew I wanted, but would never buy because of price. He saw my candy cane Joe Joes and raised them a copy of Snow White. Thoughtful, but it left me frustrated. I want to give him the world, but to me the world doesn’t come in a small box with a bow. I was the only “kid” to not provide a wish list for Christmas when his mom asked us for one.
Christmas and the holidays to me aren’t about the presents. I wasn’t raised that way. The holidays were never that much fun and someone usually ended up in tears – me or one of my sisters for one reason or another. I don’t really remember a lot of good from this time of year other than cookie baking. So to me, it’s more about the experience – I would rather go out to dinner than exchange presents that may never get used. I would rather play games than stay seated at the table with bowls of food in front of us.
My lifestyle is healthier now, which means holidays don’t derail me like they did when I was in college. Candy and chips around doesn’t tempt me and I know some of you can’t relate to that, which is fine, but that’s just not the kind of food I enjoy now. So for me, I get frustrated with the holiday’s because I’ve been trying to make my whole world a healthier place overall and that’s not just about what goes on my plate and in my mouth. It’s also about where I put weight or emphasis on things – like experiences over material items.
On the surface, JP bought me two Disney movies because he knew I really wanted them, but internally, for me – I felt terrible because I don’t have the kind of money to buy the gifts he desires. He asked for mostly car parts and thankfully, what he didn’t buy for himself he asked his parents to. When we talked about not exchanging real gifts, I told him I wanted to focus on paying down some of my debts and getting things in a place where we could potentially buy a house sometime in the next few years. I told him I would rather make dinner with him or go on a date than buy things that I could buy myself if they were really that important. He sees gift giving as a loving gesture, which it is. However, I also see it as a way people measure their relationships and love of and from someone else.
I look back on the past 87 days and I measure our love in doughnuts shares, apples picked, movie watched, tears wiped away and journal entries. I’m measuring it in things that were consumed together or seen and experienced. I’m measuring it in acceptance of faults and nights on the kitchen floor.
I’m looking back on the past two days and trying to count the smiles we had, but I’m slightly struggling. I’m recalling stepping out of the living room last night because I could clearly hear two conversations happening near me that didn’t involve me – I just happened to be sitting in the perfect place. It was overwhelming hearing them so clearly and not being able to focus one at a time. I’m thinking of yesterday afternoon and I’m reminded of lattes together. Perfect temperature. It was stress from being excited and stress from being in a position where I lacked control of my emotions and felt wiped out. Even as I write this I’m thinking about how long I think I can last during the movie we’re planning on watching. Will I make it half way through or will I just crash? I’m thinking about the hour nap I had during the movie this morning in between breakfast and getting ready to head out to “dinner”.
I’m seeking balance in a place where others put importance on things that I used to, but have learned have little true meaning. I’m learning to love myself through both the good days and bad when others just sit back and complain about wanting to “be better” but actually have no desire to “do better”. I can’t relate to that. Either do something about it or stop talking.
I thought this year would be a lot easier around this time of year because I know what to expect and how to be assertive where it counts. But I didn’t realize that I would be measuring my world in anxiety and butter cookies equally.
Part of my coaching incorporates writing. I mentioned that a few posts back when I did the “Shoulds” post. Everything I believe I should be and where I learned it.
This post is from another assignment I gave a client last week.
What are all the mean words and phrases you say to yourself and why?
It’s pretty self-explanatory. There are bullies out there, but they will never be as mean or inconsiderate as we are to ourselves. We know our darkest secrets. We know our true fears. That kind of knowledge is power, even though we don’t always use that power in a positive way.
So my list. Here’s my list.
- You don’t deserve your boyfriend. He’s too good for you.
- You’re never going to be a good coach or trainer.
- If you have PTSD and anxiety, how can you help others?
- You’re stupid.
- You’re ugly.
- Why can’t you just act like an adult?
- Why are you so emotional?
- You’re not a real a competitor, it doesn’t matter how hard you train.
Does my list look similar to your list?
I’m sure it does, I’m also sure some of you are in denial and that’s okay too. I’m sure that together we have the amount of self doubt to feed a small army. Make them full and still have leftovers.
But why these things? Why these phrases or words?
Number one is pretty easy. I never thought I would find a love like him, like JP. Cheesy right? But how many of you have said that? Have said that your partner is too nice to you, too good to you, but couldn’t figure out or say why you deserve less. I give what I can, when I can. Relationships are not 50/50 and we know that. Sometimes it’s 80/20, sometimes it 60/40. Sometimes I get dinner ready and he’s done the clean up, sometimes we look at each other and decide to eat out and avoid the stove and dishes.
Our lives have been changed so many different times this year.
May 25th – I found out that my landlord failed to pay the mortgage for almost a year and the bank was evicting me.
May 26th – My tummy tuck. We thought joking about poop as a couple was hard core, pooping with door open wasn’t anything big – well, have major surgery where you struggle to do things like that alone. Yep, game changer.
September 9th – JP moved home on our second year anniversary after dating long distance for two years.
October 13th – I went on medical leave.
We have been through so much and I’m constantly saying “if we can get through ‘x’ then we can get through anything, but sometimes, just sometimes – I do wonder if I will push him too far. Sometimes I ask myself do I deserve his kindness for all the crap we go through that I believe I bring on.
When I step back, I realize there’s a lot of stuff that has been out of our control, let alone my control. There are things I can control, like my weightloss, but there are others like the eviction that I can’t. I can be sad and I can be mad, but I can’t own everything as my fault. JP doesn’t make me feel like it’s my fault, so why should I?
There’s a lot of mean things that I say that relate to my own mental health. There’s a lot of things others have said about my mental health. I don’t think people understand that childhood experience impacts adults – being physically and mentally abused as a child impacts chemical function, growth and essentially puts the body under a large amount of stress that prevents many normal developmental processes. This kind of trauma follows you into adulthood and leads to anxiety, PTSD, ADD, ADHD and a laundry list of things. People don’t understand this because most people don’t experience this themselves or know someone who has experienced this. In some cases they don’t want to know because they don’t care enough or can’t fathom how the brain works. Your brain doesn’t just shut off or erase those memories. They may not be in the forefront of thought, but they still live there.
I have to remind myself this EVERY DAY. Control what you can and work through your triggers and breathe when you can’t control the behavior or events occurring around you.
Just because I have PTSD doesn’t mean I’m crazy and it doesn’t mean I can’t help others. It doesn’t mean I can’t make a difference. But like everyone else, you need to be able to say “I don’t know what I’m doing, I can’t actually help you.”
I told my therapist about number three and he said I couldn’t control the behavior exemplified and pushed onto me, but I can control the relationship I have with clients. I have the ability to analyze the situation and offer assistance because I’m controlling the pace and the interaction. I can’t own the actions that triggered me, but I can own what I’m doing to work through it and prevent it from happening again.
He’s right and I know he is, but again, that doesn’t mean it’s easy to not say these things to myself.
We say things about our appearance or our intelligence when we’re frustrated with something else. I don’t think that we actually believe these things when we say them to ourselves, but we’ve heard them from others so why not own these words too. Most days I feel pretty good about myself. I’m proud of where I am and when I look back at all the before photos, I’m reminded of where I never want to end up again. I don’t believe size equates beauty, but at one time I did. I used to call myself ugly because I was fat and who could possibly love a fat girl. But as I started to find strength in other things like running and lifting and I started to feel more confident in my abilities, I started to feel good about myself. I haven’t used my appearance against myself in a long time, but it does hurt when others try to use it against me instead.
Every now and then, I question competing because while I love it, I’m not blind – I know my body is different. I know there’s a scar across my stomach. People tell me how ugly it is and how noticeable, like I don’t have to wake up to it every day. I won’t lie – I wake up most mornings and forget that I have it. I forget that I had surgery, until I twist and pull something funny or look down in the shower. Yeah, sometimes I forget. When people ask about my scar and if that will prevent me from competing – the answer is always no. I don’t want that to hold me back from trying. Because you only fail the moment you decide to stop trying. When people ask if it will make the judges think twice all I can say is “I hope not, there’s a lot of imperfections on that stage, not just my scar.” I have to remind myself that in the tiny world that is bodybuilding and bikini competing, most competitors haven’t lost the amount of weight that I have. So while we all go through transformations, mentally and physically, the noticeable trauma my body has gone through may be a little greater – having surgery has leveled the playing field. It doesn’t just erase the hard work I have and still to dedicate to myself.
When I think about my list and I try to make sense of it, my head hurts. There’s no making sense of something like this. Why do we kick ourselves when we’re already down? Do we really think it’s going to help us pick right back up and work harder? There’s a reason those with eating disorders struggle to gain control after making what they believe to be a mistake – they figure I’ve already screwed up it’s not going to be much worse if they keep going.
If we can’t be nice to ourselves, why should we expect others to? It’s not even about treat others they way you want to be treated because I’m sure many of us confused what way we want with the way we are. Think about it like, treat yourself the way you want others to and hopefully that’s the energy you pull.
If you’re a single parent, remember you’re doing the best you can with the resources you have.
If you’re feeling bad about your body, think about how far you’ve come and the kind of you it took to achieve those goals.
Try to remind yourself EVERYDAY that you are trying and that is all you can ask of yourself.
I don’t buy bananas often. When I do they have a purpose and lately that has been peanut butter banana toast. However, there was one sole banana that got forgotten until it was a little too mushy for toast.
I’m very pro-banana bread, but I also am pro-getting down in the kitchen with new ideas.
Since I bought the Sarah Lynn Fitness Healthy Cookie Cookbook, I have a few more eccentric ingredients hanging around like molasses. I know you may not think of that as weird, but really, what else do you use it for other than ginger people? Cookies, not red heads.
Anyway, I’m big on Pinterest-ing and I’m big on modification where necessary – you should have that understanding by now. Most things aren’t recipes, it’s just tossing stuff together and hoping for the best. But sometimes, just sometimes, I’ll skim a recipe to get to the gist of it and then create my own thing taking what I’ve learned.
I had one banana and in that moment it’s purpose was for bread, so I skimmed her recipe and decided I had everything I needed, but I need to shrink the recipe down for size.
Here’s my version.
What You’ll Need
- 2 mini bread pans
- 105g of banana (that’s what mine weighed)
- 1 and 1/4 cup of unsweetened almond milk
- 1T of molasses
- 1T of maple syrup
- 1tsp vanilla extract
- 1/2 cup of all purpose flour
- 1/8 tsp of baking powder
- 1/4tsp of baking soda
- dash of salt
- 1T of splenda
- Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
- Spray mini bread pans with cooking spray. If you don’t have mini pans, you can use a regular sized pan, however, this will change the cooking time because you will have a thinner loaf.
- In a medium sized mixing bowl, blend all wet ingredients.
- Slowly add in dry ingredients to ensure they’re mixed well spices to taste!
- Using a second bowl, place it on a food scale. Tare or zero on the scale and add the batter from the first bowl to the second bowl. Once you have the weight you will be able to divide into two servings equally. If you don’t have a scale you can bake in one dish and cut loaf in half to the best of your ability.
- Pour divided batter into mini bread loaves and bake for about 20 minutes.
- Use a fork or tooth pick to check doneness.
Estimated nutrition per loaf: 221 calories, 1.7F/49.6C/4.2P
Nutrition may vary depending on brands of ingredients. I built the measurements of the other ingredients around the weight of the banana. If your banana is slightly larger, you may want a little more almond milk and flour, maybe a tablespoon or two of each.
This past week I conducted an experiment. I thought it was a pretty important experiment. I told JP and my therapist about it. I told them both that wanted to show others what my old eating habits looked like in comparison to my current day. I think too many people stumble across my page and see the end results and get excited, but they don’t truly understand how far I’ve come.
Of course I share transformation photos, but it’s not hard to understand something physical. I wanted to show people how my decision making has changed. I wanted people to understand that before I cared about health and fitness and being healthy overall, that my decisions sucked. I mostly wanted others to understand how one day of that wasn’t going to change everything that they’ve worked so hard for. I wanted to show others that you can treat yourself and not be derailed. My experiment was slightly overboard. My old normal is far extreme from my new normal, but at one point I liked that normal. My treats now fit pretty well into my plan, and if they don’t fit perfectly, they don’t push me over like that. But the point is I know that some of those who follow me on social media can be easily frustrated and will self sabotage – this looks like 50 shades of gray.
You saw me document it on Instagram and I wrote a blog post recapping it.
Thursday I felt pretty good after all of the food on Wednesday. I think the two worst things were 1. I woke up starving…after a day of consuming 4,400 calories and 2. I was sleepy by the afternoon, I finally felt the crash.
On Friday I woke up and after Thursday’s day of eating on a cut, most of the bloat was off. I felt really good. I felt lean and I felt much more clear headed – less foggy, didn’t get tired until around what would be bed time, except we went on a date.
This morning I was down .2 pounds from Wednesday morning’s starting point of 135.0. I won’t lie I wasn’t expecting that, but at the same time, my body did some crazy losses during prep after refeeds – so maybe I shouldn’t be too surprised.
I went to therapy this morning and I told my therapist about it. I told him that I think it was eye opening for some people how eating without purpose adds up quickly. I think the reverse – it was eye opening for some that if they just get back on track, things will go their way with time. Lastly, I told him I thought it helped me see that I am learning about my body – it’s limitations and how it reacts. The experiment was a good reminder for myself, especially as I start thinking about the 2017 season.
No one is immune to frustration. It doesn’t matter your goal, you can find it anywhere.
I told him I thought that doing the experiment helped me see that when I’m in a good place I have complete control and have no issue sticking to my plan.
I finally feel like I have some control. No, I’m not talking about the power struggle with food. I haven’t had those since October, but I also don’t think that’s been the true problem, that was and is just a byproduct of the real problem. I feel like I have some control on my life. What I’m doing with it, the kind of impact I want to make. Almost like, if I looked back could I be satisfied with what I’ve accomplished – well, not quite, but I think I’m getting there or at least have a plan in place.
I told JP this morning while we were running errands that I feel like I will be in a good place when I decide to start competition prep. I feel better than I did in August. I’ve had time to experiment with my body, play with lifting structures – see how and where my body gains muscle and fat mass. Most importantly I took control of my health again without assistance. I relearned a few things and started researching others. I feel more capable now than I did before. I don’t have a crutch and there’s no one to please. No coach, no audience – while there can be pressure from social media.In the morning when I get up, it’s a short list of things to accomplish that will build and accumulate on other lists. But at the end of the day, it’s me and JP getting into bed and shutting off the lights.
There’s 14 days left in the year and I feel like I’ve grown more in the past 64 days than I did in the whole year.
When I look back on the year and think about competing and surgery and the eviction. I think about JP moving home and being jobless – while thankfully short lived. I think about work and school and being on leave.I think about the amount of lattes and cookie crumbs that accompanied my journal. I finally feel like I’m at peace with how this year went.
I grabbed what I could and tried to let go of things and people. I let frustrations fuel me and I tried to pick myself up off the floor over and over. If I couldn’t pick myself up, I tried to let JP. When he didn’t know what to do, we sat there together on the kitchen floor with a box of Oreos and a deck of cards.
I don’t have resolutions for the new year, my goals don’t have a timeline like that. Mostly, I’m impatient and I don’t like to wait -a new calendar year doesn’t mean anything to me except an opportunity to continue to grow, but I can start that today. I mean I started months ago.I guess it took 4,400 calories and two days of detoxing to see how much I can truly control. I’m going to keep my head up and my eyes forward and hopefully in there next year the only time I’m sitting on the floor is because I can’t stop laughing long enough to stand up.
Yesterday was a big day. Mentally for me I felt like I was in a good place to try a day of eating like the old me. The me before the fitness and health journey. A lot of people throughout the day said I was brave because this would give them anxiety. I guess it’s brave, but for me food doesn’t cause that kind of anxiety.
There was a period over the summer that it did. This hadn’t really been my way of thinking before. I had mostly accepted that some days would be great and others wouldn’t, but at the time I was given the impression that if the scale increased then it was a problem and my “reverse diet” wouldn’t have food added to. The reverse had already gone slow and with surgery in the middle of it, it took a while to even get out of my deficit. Something I know and see now since I’ve had time to reflect back on it.
I’m finally back to me when I thought cupcakes could help me make gains in the gym when paired appropriately with chicken and veggies for dinner. I wish all of those who have the anxiety that fear instills that one day you can find peace with this demon.
The plan. I started my morning off by making JP his typical waffle Wednesday stack. It was very sad. I’m a creature of habit and I really do like my waffle stack. I was kind of upset that I wouldn’t get to partake.
Before I ate – I weighed myself- 135.0 pounds. I also shared my waist measurements on Instagram – waist: 25.5″. I believe it’s important to note these measurements because a lot of people who have issues with food or disordered eating will find themselves weighing or measuring as the day goes on. They want to see how bad the “damage” is in many cases.
The problem with measuring throughout the day is that food and liquids go in faster than they come out of the body – they have weight. If you drink 24 fluid ounces of water it’s obvious that you will be heavier on the scale, but it’s not true weight. With food consumption it’s the same thing. Also, with food consumption you need to be mindful of factors other than if you pooped that day – yes, I said poop. Sodium in foods is important to look at because if your sodium intake is higher than normal or just slightly different on a given day that may cause water retention. Water intake also impacts water retention. Check out this article about higher carbohydrate diets and water retention. This is also will explain why I dropped my carbohydrates for today’s day of eating like my new normal.
So here is a photo of my weight to start the day.
If we’re going plan a day of eating like this correctly, some things are just going to be out of order. In college, foods weren’t necessarily labeled as breakfast, lunch or dinner – they satisfied something else. So, since the place I was getting my breakfast was closed at the time, I started my day with a small apple pie. Yep, sugar and sweet. I mean people eat doughnuts right? It’s like the same thing…
These can be found at a gas station or by check out at the grocery store. They’re a dollar a piece, which makes them a decently cost effective snack, however, nutritionally these take up about 25% of the average person’s daily calories (if you use the recommendations from the CDC for the average 5’4″ female).
This was less than filling and I was actually kind of pissed that calories and macros were wasted on this, but part of this day is about showing what the foods I used to eat. It’s also to show you what they actually do for you. This, while it tastes good, didn’t fill me up and that made me really want breakfast – a real breakfast.
Meal 1: apple pie
Nutrition: 400 calories, 17f/ 61c/ 3p
After JP left for work, I got ready for the day and headed out to find my breakfast. In college, the cafeteria had a plethora of pancakes and waffles… nothing close to what I eat now healthwise – these were the buttery ones that you imagine from IHOP. There were a lot of breads and bagels and breakfast sandwiches. There was a locally owned bagel place that made these amazingly awesome sandwiches. Maybe as big as my face. For easy tracking, I went to a chain here in Worcester called Honey Dew – coffee, doughnuts and bagels. Think Dunkin’, but not Dunkin’.
There was a sign in the restaurant that said they now sold bagel sandwiches with double bacon for an extra 50 cents over the normal bagel sandwich. Well, after getting my bacon, egg and cheese on cinnamon raisin – I know why.
Meal 2: bacon, egg and cheese on a cinnamon raisin bagel
Nutrition: 590 calories, 21f/ 75c/ 25p
Slightly disappointed in this breakfast sandwich because of the lack of egg and bacon. The bagel is excellent, and I really love bagels. At this point, I had about 32 ounces of water in my system. That is one variable that I kept to my normal today. As a lifter, it’s important to drink water to flush out toxins that can build up in our muscles like lactic acid. It’s important to stay hydrated anyway, but my normal now is about 160-200 ounces a day. If I dropped that for this experiment then I would have other issues aside from water retention in the morning.
I did start to develop a headache on the left side of my head, toward the back behind my ear. That kind of sucked. I know that was because of the large dose of sodium I gave myself before 9:30. Continue on…
After I had my sandwich, I stopped at Starbucks for my old normal in college. We had a Starbucks on campus and between my 9:30 and 10:30 classes MWF, I would stop for a grande iced caramel macchiato. I have since learned that they clearly had no idea what they were doing because a Starbucks macchiato has the espresso and milk separated, not mixed like I had been used to. The barista was less than happy when I tried to explain my order. I did have to substitute the 2% for almond milk so I wouldn’t have an immediate upset stomach. That was another variable I allowed.
Meal 3: caramel macchiato sub 2% for almond milk
Nutrition: 240 calories, 7f/ 34c/ 10p
This was a lot sweeter than I remember. I felt like I was drinking a milkshake. The calories in this drink are equivalent to the breakfast I made for myself on Tuesday – which was oats with peanut butter. So I can eat a meal or have a drink. That’s eye opening in itself. It shows the choices that we make for ourselves every day.
At this point, I was excited to be heading home because my head and heart rate were garbage. My resting heart rate was clearly higher than it should be or higher than my normal. I could feel it as I was sitting and as I was moving around. I threw back another 24 ounces of water when I got home, which put my total water intake at 56 ounces by 9:20. I still had cotton mouth, but totaling the sodium – I was over 2,000mg at this point in the day. The CDC recommends not consuming more than 2,300mg of sodium in a day and here I was already at that point.
I did weigh myself when I got home and from the pie, sandwich, coffee and initial water my weight was 138.6. I felt slightly uncomfortable, but not terrible. After I went to the bathroom around 9:15ish, my weight was 137.2.
This kind of fluctuation is important to note because like I said before everything you consume during the day has weight. And again, it goes in a lot faster than it goes out. This isn’t true weight gain, but the visual of the scale can screw with us. Trust me, I know the scale freaks a lot of you out, and that’s why I’m also showing you what happens during the day. It used to freak me out too.
I got some work done and watched The Lion King. I love me some Disney. I also put on Fuller House season 2… if you have seen season 1 and have lowered your expectations you should watch season 2. Anyway, I felt it was time for a snack because in college that’s what I would’ve done. I would’ve looked for something in class or something to munch on while I studied. So bring on the candy.
This is a huge killer – calorie dense, not nutritionally dense and easy to consume a lot of it.
Meal 4: box of peanut butter M&Ms
Nutrition: 440 calories, 26f/ 46c/ 8p
This little box is actually two servings, but back then I wouldn’t have cared enough to eat only half and put the rest away for another time. Or better, find a friend to share with like I do with JP. I know some of you question how I can eat only half of a candy bar and give him the rest or put it away for a different day, but it’s because of this. I look at the amount of fat and ask myself is this worth it? What will I be eating later. Food should be an experience, but I could eat these whenever I want, so to me it’s not worth eating the whole box.
New Cristina’s way of thinking wasn’t in play yesterday so I ate the whole box. It took me 25 minutes and that’s kind of pathetic, but they just don’t taste as good as I remember. I also was still battling the slight headache and drinking water.
Around 12:30 I decided to adventure out for lunch. In school, lunch was around 12:30/1 pm so I kept with this tradition and found food. Even today, my normal lunch time is between 12 and 1:30 depending on how the morning stays with me.
My cafeteria, like many other cafeteria’s offered only the most glamorous of food options. I’m not blaming – I could’ve hit the salad bar, but I think we agree that it also doesn’t matter how much lettuce is on your plate if you negate it with 3 or 4 servings of Ranch dressing… for reference, one serving of Ranch dressing is 2 tablespoons – 145 calories, 15f/ 2c/.3p… I know many people aren’t just using one serving. Anyway, this was available to me and it was easier to just get a burger and fries then think about what other better options there may be.
Meal 5: little bacon cheeseburger with lettuce, tomato, onions, mushrooms and mayo. little fry. regular size Coke Zero.
Nutrition: 1,008 calories, 61.5f/ 79.5c/ 35p
I brought my scale with me so I could weigh out the fries. A serving should weigh around 233g, but my portion was only 118g. So I was able to track half the calories. Helpful, but also not realistic. Many around me had overflowing bags of fries and didn’t just eat what’s in the cup. Back then I ate what was in the bag too, not just the cup. I save about 250 calories by only having half the fries for a serving.
I’m not going to pretend that I don’t eat burgers, you know I do. You saw Allie and I split a burger in Boston, you saw JP and I split one in Cambridge. Both had the most ridiculous of toppings, but that’s not a daily occurrence.
Five Guys is my FAVORITE fast food burger place, even now. I actually had this same burger from them a few weeks ago, but I chose to not get fries. The burger at the time was worth it. I was on point with my eating for the rest of the day, but I knew I was going to be a little high in calories and nutrients than the other days. I accepted that I wanted the burger, I wanted that experience. Yesterday however, I thought about what old Cristina ate. She was wrong about those fries. They were less than good. I have had wayyyyyyy better. I could’ve done without them. A few of you said they can be hit or miss – well this one didn’t even come close to the target.
I went to Target to walk around and not be such a bum for the day. It was my rest day and I think doing it on a rest day is important because I wasn’t working out when I was at my heaviest. I wasn’t making an attempt at all.
I did notice that I was starting to feel warm and my face started to feel flushed. I looked in the mirror and the bridge of my nose and cheeks were red, very noticeably red. Total water at this point was about 104 ounces, I picked up a bottle at Target since mine was empty. I drank more when I got home and by dinner time I was at 168 ounces.
I got home and watched a little more Netflix and 3.5 hours later, I was starving. So I headed back out and grabbed my next meal.
THE STAPLE FOR MANY COLLEGE STUDENTS….I know I don’t need to explain this one
Meal 6: pizza: white pizza, veggie pizza, buffalo chicken pizza
Nutrition: 808 calories, 33.9f/ 91.8c/ 33.9p
*I used estimated nutritional information from Domino’s Pizza nutrition
I was more excited about the vegetables on the veggie slice than the pizza as a whole. I had some veggie things on my burger, but I hadn’t had any veggies the whole day. Sadly, the buffalo chicken pizza was terrible. JP has had it before and loves it. This was one of my favorites in school and it was just awful. The chicken was hard and it wasn’t as hot as I like my spicy, heat things. The white pizza was excellent. Cheese is such a guilty pleasure – this was the one thing I was truly concerned about for the day. I was nervous that it would make sick I would have to stop. I knew that if I started to get really sick that I would stop and I would still prove a point. Thankfully no bellies were truly harmed during consumption.
The veggie was amazing and loaded with all of the peppers and onions I could’ve hoped for. The overall pizza experience was disheartening, things tasted differently than I remembered, but when you change your eating habits your taste buds change too. Foods you believe you find comfort in aren’t necessarily that food anymore.
I was just under 200 ounces of water when I approached my third meal. Taco Bell. This was one of those runs we would do when were studying or when we were drinking. Yep, that literally means I had two dinners, but I didn’t think of it that way. Food in college was a to be social as well as find comfort when being emotional. You’re not actively thinking about what you were going to eat as far health, it was about not missing out on hearing a joke.
Meal 7: two beef chalupa supremes + soft taco + diet soda
Nutrition: 930 calories, 51f/ 79c/ 35p
I couldn’t even finish this. The chapulas were hard and the side of mouth. It’s like when your food attacks. Fucking terrible. The taste of the chalupa shells, however, was exactly like I remembered them. Deep fried and almost buttery. The insides lacked. I don’t think that’s changed from before, but I wasn’t paying attention before. I wasn’t making my own taco and burritos at home either to know what good tacos taste like, what quality vegetables taste like. The regular sized drink was what would be considered a large at other establishments and I barely touched it.
I drank another 24 ounces of water before bed, which put me to 236 ounces for the day.
Here are the stats:
Calories : 4,416
Apple Pie: $1
Bagel sandwich: $3.73
Starbucks caramel macchiato: $5.62
Five Guys little bacon cheeseburger and little fries + regular drink: $13.03
Antonio’s Pizza by the Slice 3 slices + bottle water: $14.80
Taco Bell 2 chalupas + soft taco + regular drink: $12.45
And my weight at the end of the day: 140.0
The cost is important to note because nothing pisses me off than the excuse that eating healthy is expensive. You can shop the sales, you can buy in bulk. You can get store brand. You can coupon. I spent enough money to buy about a week’s groceries for me and JP in just one day on food that didn’t even keep me full.
The CDC releases new dietary recommendations every five years. The latest version was released in 2015 and will expire in 2020.
Here’s some of the recommendations:
- added sugars should take up less than 10% of your calories
- saturated fats should take up less than 10% of your calories
- consumption of sodium should be less than 2,300mg
For caloric intake the CDC used for reference a man that is 5 feet 10 inches tall and weighs 154 pounds. The reference woman is 5 feet 4 inches tall and weighs 126 pounds. This is pulled directly from their 2015-2020 report:
Estimates range from 1,600 to 2,400 calories per day for adult women and 2,000 to 3,000 calories per day for adult men. Within each age and sex category, the low end of the range is for sedentary individuals; the high end of the range is for active individuals. Due to reductions in basal metabolic rate that occur with aging, calorie needs generally decrease for adults as they age.
I’m 5’4″ and my old eating habits were no where close to these recommendations. Even today, I loosely follow these guidelines. The fiber guideline is very important and I am mindful of that. I also pay attention to sodium loosely and my water levels. While not every person will fit the reference body they used, these guidelines are still important to consider.
Making healthy choices can be tough. Sometimes you just want something deep fried and covered in chocolate. I get that. Small changes got me to where I am now. Those small changes built on each other and became bigger changes. The person I am today is more than just physically different that the person I was 5 or 6 years ago. Mentally I have grown with how I set goals for myself and how I approach a problem. My decision making process is different – I can step back and ask myself what impact will a meal have on my goals, my day, whatever. Sometimes it’s worth it. It’s worth the experience or sometimes the belly ache. But a lot of times, I know it’s not and I can say nope, not now. Moderation is important to me and that’s why I macro count.
You saw that I ate a days calories in the first three meals, but nutritionally, I wasn’t going to be fueled and my goals wouldn’t or couldn’t be supported with those macros.
This day of eating is what happened years ago, before I cared about my health before I was mindful. I know a lot more now about food and nutrition and exercise than I did then. A bad day now doesn’t compare to a bad day then. I’m not saying that a bad day now isn’t valid – of course it is. I’m saying that our bad days or binges evolve just like we do. If you feel like you over did it or felt out of control, maybe out of body – you are 100% valid in your feelings, but I also hope that you will step back and think about what it used to be like. Think about how you processed through a problem. Did you even question reaching for something external to satisfy something internally?
Growth and transformations come in so many forms. Just because you can’t physically measure something doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist or isn’t real. I mean, children believe in Santa and people have their religious beliefs.
I hope that one day more people have the ability to look back and realize that they aren’t bad people because they made a poor decision in the moment. It makes you human. It happened and you need to accept that, but what are you going to as you move forward?
It’s Tuesday and that means that our social media feeds will be filled with transformations. I know I’ll be sharing mine. You’ll get the clear visual for many of the transformations, but a few will also make note of mental growth or strength gains that aren’t completely visible.
Especially lately, I’ve been trying to look at the bigger picture. As far goal setting, I’ve never had that issue, what’s the big goals and what are the small ones to get there. But as far as looking at my current state and being satisfied or happy with it, that takes a little more effort. It’s the perfectionist in me that wants to control things, which is why I keep analyzing and setting new goals. Evaluating where the bar was and determining if I can go a little higher, but trying to be reasonable with myself this time around.
This time around part of the current goals are about living life and enjoying things I had been preventing myself from enjoying either out of fear that it would hinder progress, making excuses about time or the fear of doing something on my own. I do a lot on my own, but I also find a lot of things that I will say “I don’t want to do this without someone with me.” I don’t really know if a partner in crime will make the experience better or not, but that’s what I’ve told myself.
There are so many factors that go into being healthy – not just weightloss, but actually living a healthier lifestyle. It’s not about choosing a salad over a burger because I really hope that you can fit both somehow into your day, but balancing your macro-nutrients – whether you choose to count them individually or through calorie tracking.
I don’t like labeling food “good” or “bad” because mentally, you start thinking “if I eat the bad food, I must be a bad person and if I’m a bad person then I might as well keep going.” I won’t lie when I saw this talked about in Sunny Sea Gold’s book, my jaw hit the floor because aside from my therapist and I talking about this, I’ve never heard anyone say it like that. We’re not bad people because we like cupcakes or doughnuts or too many bananas with peanut butter, but it goes back to moderation. Having one or two of something can be satisfying, so what will having a dozen solve? I think a a transformation that we forget about is how we make decisions and act on our impulses.
A few of my clients and I have been talking about this. Not only can you not compare yourself to the people you see on social media, but you can’t compare yourself now to the person you were 5 or 10 years ago. Hell even last year. You can sit there and beat yourself up over how much you should be able to lift because you could do it when you were in college, but a lot has happened between now and being on the field. You are a different person with a different life, schedule, family, etc. There are a lot of variables you aren’t giving yourself credit for.
The reverse, you can get upset with yourself for wanting to cave into a craving or whatever you want to call it, but growth is that you stepped back and didn’t cave – you looked at the situation and you talked with yourself. You asked yourself what is really going on here and you decided to make a better choice. So yes, you can be mad at yourself for having the desire – the thought, but shouldn’t your action be celebrated because it might be a different action than you would’ve taken months ago. Shouldn’t that kind of growth be remembered when you’re struggling?
Being healthy is being able to look at the scale and your tape measure and understand that sometimes they won’t agree, but that one isn’t more important than the other. You’ll see a TON of people say trust the process and what I think they mean is give yourself time. Don’t rush something that you want to be lasting.
I see a lot of people post photos and stating “I’m not looking to step on stage” – I won’t lie, I follow more non-competitors than I do competitors (both strength and body competitors). When I see someone getting healthier and changing their lifestyle the last thing I think about is if they want to wear an tiny bikini like me. While it seems like there’s a huge population who do body competitions, we’re actually a HUGE minority, but since we have no issue sharing our journey it gives the illusion that this is something that people do – that everybody does. #FALSE You don’t need to tell me your why, but it is cool to see the internal motivation and meet people that are like me, or at least connect and follow people like me. I need to be better about this too – providing an explanation of what you’re doing and why – not always necessary. It doesn’t matter what you’re doing or your why, someone will always say something positive and negative about it. There will always be someone who misunderstands – and that’s completely fine. I know, I get pissy about some of the comments too, but I also delete and move on from others as well.
Physical transformation – yes. It’s slight or drastic. Strength transformation – again, pretty easy to measure. But the mental transformation of being able to step back and say I am making better choices than I was and I will continue to try – that’s all you can ask of someone, especially when they’re getting their feet wet. Looking at all factors and being mindful that some week’s there will be more time and others will feel like you flew by the seat of your pants.
The purpose of all of this? Like I said I’ve been having a few conversations with my clients about the evolution of them, the evolution of their eating and their decision making processes. This is coming back to eating. Last night in between dinner and dessert, I ripped open a brand new box of cinnamon bun Oreos – aside from birthday cake, these are my favorite. Two is a serving and I had three. They were excellent and I was hungry. I had three with my tea and got some work done. Did they fit my macros – eh close enough. I’ve been loosely tracking and I’ve talked about that. I’m just hanging out and being mindful most of the time. Cristina five or six years ago would’ve easily looked at the package and taken a whole sleeve. She would’ve sat at her computer and worked on finals with Law and Order SVU in the background. Once she finished she may have gone back to the box for a few more.
A binge is whatever makes you feel like you went overboard. I’ve never thought about binging in that way before, but when I read that the other day it made sense. Because my old normal day of eating would be twice what I consider my binge now. It’s a lot of food in a short period of time that makes you sick or uncomfortable, but that’s relative. If you feel terrible after a few cookies and feel like you went overboard – then you did. There’s a million shades of disordered eating, but if we compare physical transformations, why can’t we compare the mental and evolution of our eating and decision making process.
I’ve been talking about this with Alicia and JP – a lot, for a while. I finally feel like I’m in a good place mentally and physically do it.
OLD CRISTINA NORMAL DAY OF EATING
You think the YouTuber’s can throw back 10,000 calories in a day? I don’t think they realize the message that has. My old normal day of eating was a base of 4,500 calories. I remember specifically what I ate in college – I ate it all the time. I’ve researched the macro breakdown and the calories and it’s disheartening to think I had no issue putting away that kind of food or spending that kind of money. No disheartening because of the quantity and cost, but the side effect of the excess – feeling like garbage and always hungry no matter what I ate. Scraping the bottom of my purse for the Dollar Menu.
Tomorrow… well, today I’m planning tomorrow’s day of eating. I will document it all. Photos and videos throughout the day on Instagram and a post for the following day with my thoughts here on the blog.
I want you to see what my normal used to be when I wasn’t living a healthy lifestyle. When my health wasn’t a priority and food was more than a tool to live. This will show you how drastic a change my current lifestyle is and why baby steps were crucial for me to get here. It’s not something that happened over night. I want you to think about how many changes you’ve made to get to where you are. Think of all of the steps you had to take.
The challenge: roughly 4,500 calories consuming similar foods I did my senior year of college (2010-2011).