I would say this week had more ups than downs and that’s a start. It wasn’t everything I wanted, but well you know one day at all I guess. It’s probably the best week I’ve had in a while. At the beginning of the week I set a list of things I wanted to accomplish. I didn’t have a set timeline other than to get these things done this week. Here’s the list:

  • Workout 6 times this week
  • Visit Salem
  • Make 2 new apple recipes
  • Read for 30 minutes
  • Journal
  • Go hiking

I can safely say that I accomplished almost everything on this list. I read or colored most days. I wanted to read because it’s something I like to do, but I never have time for, but I found it to be very challenging. It’s clear that I’m not someone who just sits around. I can’t be in the quiet, I will start to hear small, insignificant sounds around me and those will become distracting. I’m great at tuning things out though. I can read in the car when JP has music on or I can block out music when I’m focused on work in the office. But this week, reading was definitely a challenge. I was able to get about 10 to 20 minutes done here and there, but sitting still for 30 minutes was a lot most days. I even found it hard to concentrate when I was coloring.

This I think is laughable, but it’s true. This week was where I learned that I need to sit down and stay down. I guess easier said than down.

I had no issue journaling when I felt it was necessary. I wrote mostly in the morning, but I will say it’s because I didn’t know what else to do when I woke up. There were a few mornings that I didn’t go to the gym early because of an appointment or I was tired and writing just seemed like the natural thing to do.

I didn’t complete my 6th day at the gym, which was back day and cardio, but a trip to the chiropractor in the morning showed me that I had dislocated a rib on my left side. This had been causing me some pain and tightness and even though it was put back where it belongs, I felt that it needed the day to relax. Instead we did some errands and I hit my step goal.

The week  overall made me think about my schedule. It’s weird to think that I don’t have to get up early in the morning if I don’t want to. However, as I learned a few times this week – there are way too many people at the gym later in the day, even at 10 am. I mean, I asked myself “do people work?” I know they do, but holy crap there are so many people at the gym during the day. The number of people made me want to work out early like I normally do because there’s no issue getting equipment. I also love the morning crew, they’re respectful and pretty friendly, gym-goers later in the day… not so much. But at the same time, I have no where else to be during the day – most days. I’m partially concerned that I will have an issue getting bored.

My therapist and I talked about this in our session this week. I said that I was making a list of things I wanted to do, but attempting to give myself the flexibility so I was just saying it’s a list for the week. There were things I wanted to do daily like workout, but things such as baking or adventuring had some more flexibility. He asked about the gym and if it made sense to give myself time to go twice a day. I told him I didn’t want to do that because I felt nutritionally that would change my goals a lot, but I also didn’t want to put too much emphasis on exercise helping me deal with my anxiety and PTSD. I’m already frustrated about not competing this fall, I don’t want to get more upset than I need to be by spending hours in the gym. He agreed and took a note of that part of the conversation. This also led to a discussion about July and August, when I first saw him.  I was having body dysmorphia, but as he explained it was a coping mechanism for PTSD and anxiety for things I had been dealing with professionally. So as I said, more time in the gym wouldn’t essentially solve anything. Events of September were the final trigger pull and here we are.

After this week’s appointment, I started looking at my lifting structure to see what I can do to maximize my higher food consumption as well as my time. I figured I can at least take my time in the gym and not rush around. I want to look at building my strength and develop muscle, but the idea still makes me nervous because that also means a willingness for potential weight or mass gain. That’s something I’m not 100% sure I’m ready for mentally and at this point, I don’t know if throwing myself into it is the best idea. I think if anything, continuing to play with my lifts and trying to have fun in the gym is my ultimate goal. Maybe hitting a PR or two.

Nutritionally, having a sliding macro scale was a great idea. Some days I just wasn’t super hungry to hit high numbers or meal spacing was funny. Other days I was like “hey, pass the cake.” On average I consumed 60F/167C/115P, my macro range is 45F/150C/128 to 52F/230C/128P. Not perfect, but I wasn’t trying to be. Fat was higher this week because it’s not hard to see that burritos with bacon will have a high fat content or just the fact that some days were a little over, but some days were a little under or around the target. I think this is progress. It was the first week where I didn’t have attacks, but I did have one night where I wanted to binge. I was nervous – it was the night before my therapy appointment and out of no where I felt the urge to search all the cabinets. I laid down for a while and then found a snack, that turned into two. Then I laid down again. Last night I went to bed early because I had the sudden urge to just want to eat everything. I told JP and he said “ok, let’s go to bed.” It was around 8 pm and we got into bed to watch TV. I probably fell asleep around 9.

Check in this morning didn’t look too shabby and I was down .6 pounds. So this is a huge win. I know my fluctuation will be between 128ish to 131, but I truly don’t feel comfortable on the higher end of that range. Just 4 weeks ago I was about 126 and the 5 pounds feels like a lot. My stomach feel tighter around my scar and it’s physically uncomfortable, not just mentally. As my food is more balanced and consistent, I think my weight will balance as well. So I’ll take the 131.2 today and hope for it to decrease slightly over the next week.

JP starts his new job on Monday and he just found out that he has to be there at 6:45 am for a meeting. This means on Monday he needs to be out of the house by 6:15 am. I know for him being at work after not having a job will be weird, just like I’m struggling to figure out what to do with myself while I have time off.  I imagine that next week I will try to add a little structure to my day so that I don’t find myself alone with my thoughts too much.

We did adventure outside of the apartment and the gym. Surprisingly, it was a pretty nice week. I know it’s October, but in New England asking how the weather is can be a loaded question. It can be snowing or 90 degrees. I wanted to go hiking and we were able to on Wednesday after my therapy session. It was kind of windy at the summit, but aside from that it was perfect. The best way to end the hiking season and as of Thursday it’s been kind of gross and rainy, we lucked out.

Thursday we took our adventures out of central Massachusetts and I crossed something off my list here. We went to Salem. I wanted to do some of the touristy stuff and of course find good food. I’ve never been to Salem, but I’ve read enough about the history of the witch trials that I was ready for it. I was thoroughly disappointed. It was cheesy and I wanted history, not figurines… that we got at the Salem Witch Trials Museum – by the way, not a museum at all.However, we found a statues and burritos with bacon. We split the burritos because they were huge and we figured that would let us try more menu options – we do this way too often.

 

There’s a chance that since we were already out that way, I convinced JP that we should go by Kane’s for doughnuts. Saugus, where the flagship store lives, is about an hour an 20 minutes from us. The Boston location is a little more than an hour, so the fact that we were so close would’ve been blasphemous to not stop. Or at least that’s what I’m telling myself.

Bell and Hippo thoroughly enjoyed themselves on our adventures, but I think this was their favorite stop. The final selection: maple bacon yeast doughnut and Angry Orchard Hard Cider cake doughnut. Both excellent in their own right. Split in half for breakfast on Friday.

There were a lot of comments from followers saying they need to figure out IIFYM, whcih is really all about moderation and balance. Figuring out how many carbs, fats and protein your body needs to survive, to lose or gain. It’s not about eating all the doughnuts everyday, all day, even if that’s what your heart really wants. It’s about figuring out how to have a doughnut and chicken and broccoli too. I try to share a variety of meals I consume and, yeah it’s way more fun showing you a doughnut or cupcake case, but I do try to show you that I eat veggies and lean meat too. I don’t believe in cutting out food groups – my doctor has never suggested I do so. I don’t believe in say “no, you can never have that dessert.” That’s how shitty relationships with food start or develop deeper. I do believe in planning your day, at least loosely, around the treat you want and filling in around it. So doughnuts for breakfast with rough macros. To learn how I determine macros for snacks and meals I don’t make, check out my post here.

Friday was boring and all we did was run errands, but we had a chance to relax and lounge around. We watched some TV and like I mentioned above, went to bed early because I felt like I wanted to eat. Maybe not the best feeling to have when ending the night, but we snuggled in bed and it made me feel better.

I’m so far from where I want to be mentally, and physically, I’m hovering around where I want to be this fall and winter, close enough to almost taste . Today is a new day and there’s always tomorrow and the rest of my life, well next five weeks to start. I haven’t figured out my plan for the upcoming week, but it’s in the works. I believe there will be an adventure outside of Worcester planned, just haven’t determined where yet. Probably cupcakes, not 100% positive.

I’m bad at being spontaneous, but I guess that’s something I can work on this week.

❤ Cristina

 

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