Coming Home Bikini Prep Series: Post 17 “Sometimes It’s Not in Your Head, Sometimes You Need to Remind Yourself That”

Last week was a good week.

I felt different. I had more of my routine back. It wasn’t perfect and I’m still dabbling, but it’s getting there.

I met with my therapist Friday and there was more clarity from that meeting. I know in August I shared with you that I was going to see one to talk about some of the issues I was having with anxiety and body dysmorphia. It became more than that. It was more focused on my PTSD and anxiety and how old triggers were evolving and taking new forms. There were some new triggers that subconsciously reminded me of old actions, those triggered me too. As we talked about some current events, that I haven’t and won’t fully be disclosing to you all, he told me that I was in a dissociative state last week. That from how I described a not really out of body experience, but not me experience it sounded like I wasn’t able to mentally connect with the physical actions being conducted. That the chest pains I had last Saturday were a full blown anxiety attack and that it’s possible I had an episode for longer than a week. That the event that triggered me was the height of a few events piling up and leaving predisposed to something bigger. This week has been so much better than last week.

I felt more in control of my actions, not just saying I’m getting up in the morning, but actually doing it.

I checked in with myself on Saturday and not only did I feel really good, I liked what I saw and I felt the scale reflected a week of trying.

I was 128.2 last week and this week with journaling and loosely tracking, but hiring the gym every day I was 129.2. A pound is normal fluctuation and I’m really happy about this. Being mindful is hard, but I’ve tracked long enough to have an idea of what I’m eating. I also don’t feel like I need food to help feel in control – something that I felt last week.

I did have to have a nice chat with myself Friday in the shower as I remembered I had loose skin in my lower back and legs as I shaved for the first time in a week or so. Similar to the spring, it’s the talk where I have to tell myself that what’s on the scale isn’t truly reflective, something else could’ve been removed to show a tighter body. The scale doesn’t make you who you are, it doesn’t tell you that you’re strong. It can only tell you how you’re fighting gravity. Like I’ve said, I have no issues with my clothes on, but bikinis and nakedness are a little different. We all need a pep talk every now and then. I posted a video yesterday (Friday) giving the up close look at my side, lower back, leg and butt. I have received a lot of comments this past week, which led to the video, most of the comments are positive, but many putting body on a pedestal.

The point of my own pep talk was to remind myself that’s it’s ok to have flaws, not everything is fixable, but maybe not everything should be. The point of the video to those on this journey with me was to show that while you say that the body I have built is your goal, the end game, you need to remember that it’s been through a lot. I wanted to remind people that flaws are on even the smallest or fittest of bodies. You need to remember where you started and understand how that impacts you today. I’ve had a lot of people surprisingly enough ask why they don’t have bodies like mine when our starting points were similar, easy answer – you are not me.

While I’m trying to be easy on myself, I am also trying to work on a lot of different things – a more real approach to nutrition, liking or loving myself at different times of the day and wearing different things, not beating myself up over and over again. It’s not fair for anyone to keep unrealistic expectations at different stages. Maintaining and losing or bulking are all different stages that require different protocols. If I’m trying to live and be healthy, I can’t shove myself into a box that is necessary for losing. I also can’t be frustrated if I don’t see development in muscular build if I’m not willing to consume more and gain a little. That being said, I really do need to figure out maintaining. I’ve calculated some rough nutritional information to give myself a boundary.

Maintaining calories with an hour to an hour and 15 minutes of exercise 6 days a week puts me at roughly 1,942 calories or 51F/245C/126P. I’m not interested in jumping straight to this, so I’m slowly increasing, but not as slowly as I was this past summer. My macros for this week are about 45F/150C/128P – about 20C more than the cutting macros I had before, but more of a reallocation of nutrition, rather than a true increase. Next week will be a true increase. I’m journaling my food and being mindful, so these are a guideline – if it’s not perfect that’s ok, but this will give me an idea as to how my body responds to maintaining.

This weekend was equally as good. While it seemed as all I ate was what others would call treats, I’m calling it an experience. I had a new to me protein bar on my drive to the train station around 8:30, but didn’t have brunch until 1 pm, so the partial sugar cookie in between was completely necessary. Since we were both pretty content from brunch – which was excellent, eggs should always be on brunch burgers – we didn’t eat until 7:30… and that’s where the doughnut experience came into play. We had a glass of wine and then headed to dinner around 10:30/11 pm. Bed time didn’t happen until just after 2 am. So yeah, I ate things I wouldn’t necessarily eat in a normal day, but Saturday wasn’t a normal day.

I’m hoping this week is good or better than last week. It’s easy to say “today is going to be a good day”, but those with mental health issues know that it’s not that easy. I’m taking it a day at a time.

Anyway, below are some photos from adventuring in NYC. I’ve also updated the “Be Well” tab with restaurants and places I’ve gone to that I think you may want to check out too!

❤ Cristina

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