Ok they’re not mine, but the metaphor I read was kind of nice. Something about them being free. The idea of that sounded like a fantasy. I’m currently writing this on my iPhone as we start our final dissent into Washington DC. That’s how the captain said it. Very official.

One thing I do on planes is try to disconnect. I think you know me well enough now to understand this is a struggle for me, but on a plane that doesn’t have WiFi service, not very hard to do. But it is. I brought a copy of Thrive – Arianna Huffington’s book to read. I get the most reading done on planes and when I started the book at home before, I got as far as the intro. That’s bullshit, but I get distracted. Tonight I got through 2/3 of the first part. The book isn’t divided into chapters, but rather sections or parts. The first part is about well-being. She talks about burn out, stress and what companies are doing to combat this with their employees. There’s a bit about meditation and mindfulness, something I’ve read about and done myself, but can’t remember the last time I practiced. As I read this section and tried to be in tune with what I was reading, but I found my mind wandering. Again, not hard to do for anyone.

Here’s what I thought of:

  • My meetings tomorrow
  • Cardio: do I want to run without my garment or elliptical so that I don’t have issues with my abdomen
  • Saturday and what donut glaze do I want
  • This blog post
  • I’m thirsty
  • Breakfast tomorrow morning
  • I’m still thirsty
  • I think I need to pee
  • How will I modify my lift for the hotel
  • I definitely want to run
  • Too bad I didn’t bring a sweatshirt, I could run through the city

I tried to bring myself back to the book and I did, then 10 minutes later I wandered again. The process repeated a lot as you can see above. I’ve been thinking about the week and the past few days, something I’ll talk about more in the next few posts. This will probably be a few parts.

I’ve been thinking of my own mindfulness. My own stress: the stressors I can control and those I can’t. The ones that directly impact me and those that subsequently impact me because I’m somehow involved. I’ve been thinking about food an awful lot. More than I want to and on that note, I’ve gotten angry with myself for the internal fighting that has happened this week in relation to food and the comfort it provides me.

Why can’t I continue to find that comfort in my lifting or in the idea of JP being home?

I don’t think it’s hard for anyone to come up with reasons to get mad at themselves for thoughts like these. You almost feel like you’re obsessing about not obsessing. Does that make sense? If not, you should just stop reading because you know when the coffee is out of my system it’s downhill from there.

I’m a big proponent of not investing your mind into food – don’t let it control you, it will always be there, the food won’t run out. But at the same time,  sometimes you just want to say yes! to the muffin or yes! to the extra guacamole. When all you do is say “not right now, but later” you just think “well, when does later come?”

We interrupt the typing of these thoughts because we have landed at 9:20 pm at DCA.

So now I’m settled in at the hotel and it’s 10:55 pm on 14th and K Street. This is way past my bedtime and I think we all know, it’s just going to get further downhill, so I will finish my thought in a minute.

I talked earlier this week about feeling bingey. I did. It was terrible. I put myself down for a nap like a 5 year old, but also, don’t knock nap time. We all need it. I had three days of vacation plus the weekend and if I’m going to be honest, which I am, I learned that I suck at vacation. I was stressed the whole time because of the overall move. Yes, I am nervous about us, but that wasn’t what was stressful. I got a front row viewing of JP falling apart because he feels defeated, he feels like a failure. This is something that him and I currently have in common so it’s been extremely hard to support him and keep myself up as well.

While academically, my psychology course is going really well, professionally I feel defeated. I love fundraising. This is the kind of impact I want to be making on the future generations. However, there have been a few things happening at work that make me question my abilities to get the job done – more in reaction to actions of others towards me, question if leadership trusts me or is willing to invest me. Here’s a correlation from fitness to professional life. It’s one thing to believe in yourself, but support is also very damn helpful. There’s something about support that gives you the boost to really crush your goals. It’s not fun not sharing an experience or journey with at least someone.

Personally, I’ve also felt like a failure and feel defeated in some way most days lately. Not just because I feel as though I’m not supporting JP enough – don’t know if I would say being a bad girlfriend, but I don’t know what to say to him to “make it better”, especially when I see him decline within a few minutes. For that matter, there are a lot of people who want and need support and I don’t know how to say “I am a mess today, can you come back tomorrow.” I need to get better at that because there are many days when I’m just like “hey, there! I’m normal. I’m you. I have issues too. Please get a therapist.”

I guess there are times when I think I’m externally giving my all to those around me that I don’t have enough to give to myself. I give a lot to my work, which I think is much more common than it should be, especially for those in my generation – we will give you all the effort and hit deadlines, but we also want some flexibility, like not needing set office hours. If I say I’m going to do something, I will be there heart and head. Regardless of the 5 am gym time that I believe to be my heaven or diving into researching and coaching myself because I find it interesting how the body works – I believe that this isn’t enough investment in myself and maybe it’s because I’m a little tired. Maybe because when I think about today, I’m reminded that 16 weeks ago I had a life changing surgery. That maybe 16 weeks isn’t very long after all, and maybe four months or a third of a year isn’t very long either. If I think of everything that has happened in that 16 week period I wonder how am I standing? How am I still awake? Then I think: “Because you can’t just sit still. You can’t just let everything go on around you without getting involved. Because you believe that if you don’t push or challenge yourself that no one will, so you set the standard high, higher than those around you would. Because you push until you’re burnt out.” I guess when I think about it, I feel like a failure because I’m don’t think that I’m giving myself a balance or being easier on myself when  necessary. I tell people to not beat themselves up all the time, so why can’t I take my own advice? That would be too easy.

So. It’s 11:27 pm. Very much past my bed time. I’m going to head to bed. Since the gym is on the 2nd floor of the hotel, I may attempt to sleep in to 5 pm since I can stumble to the elevator.

Good night. We will finish this talk tomorrow.

❤ Cristina